All Ladies Do It - 1992

"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening"

- Così fan tutte (1992)

To the fans of cult, you surely must have heard of Caligula. We've browsed through the gore that is Caligula, and so we were surprised that it was directed by the same Italian director who did Cheeky, which we featured some months ago. Ah, Tinto Brass. What an obsessed man. 

ATI put this movie on our queue without my knowing, her reason for choosing it is solely based on the poster you see below. "I dunno la. I saw the butt and just decided to see the movie." That's what she said!

You should do that to. 

Cosi fan tutte is inspired by that masterpiece of Mozart. The genre here is supposedly erotic comedy, but we think Tinto made this movie for his own amusement. Nuckall betul dia ni. Tinto's so obsessed with butts and genitalia. Which is good in a way kot, making this movie into a very educational one even for us, because you don't always get to see the hairy monsters that people hide under their pants/skirts. Senang cite just watch this if you're really interested.

So what happens when a husband is unawares of his wife's wild sexual desires? She goes out and have more, of course. Yeah, all ladies seriously do it. 

They all wear this useless bra in their bedrooms while writing letters of heartache. 

But this is a good wife lar. All her sexual adventures is so she could bring her 'fantasies' to the bedroom, in the end to please the husband who sort of looks like somebody's soon to may, or may not be, ex. This alone is enough to make me give this movie a thousand stars. The husband ni bila balik rumah, turned on by the wife's cerita of nakal things she did... little did he know that they are not just made-up stories, but real life experiences kot, HAAAA. Sampat terus I. 

For example, she went to this poem reciting event by a celebrated poetess. Since we were so awed by the poem and it's "deepness", we decided to type up the most interesting parts for you: 

I'd like to fuck you

and not touch you

and loose-tongued, 

make a chant resound 

among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

(Whoaa, me and ATI seriously went "whaaat uncertain hairs of your ass???? Whoaaa")

I'd like to stuff dancing cunts in your mouth. 

… and down between your balls

suck your cock into my heartache. 

(Must be some passionate bj)

Lick your knees, 

and upwards to your heart.

(Sure, we all know the location of a man's heart)

After the poem, the wife was inspired to have this adventure. Tu tattoo lips, so bila 'pirate' ni move his hands, it looks like someone's lips is moving all over her butt. Scandalous gileww. Anyway guys take note, this is how to gross out your partners ya. 

After this, the wife became obsessed la pulak to get her backside door virginity taken. Eww. Not everyone is into this okay, clearly this is mostly a guy's nuckall fantasy. Don't know who'd really like anything up their asses, seriously. 

She requested the husband to do it, but he won't. So, dia lari lah mencari orang lain. Padan muka the husband, who looks like someone's ex (maybe). 

So I will not lie. This is the best, most impressionable kissing scene I ever saw my entire life. These two mouths seriously have chemistry. Such a passionate and needy kiss yet gentle and beautifully choreographed at the same time. Claudia Koll kissed a lot of men and more in this movie, but it made me wonder if she has something going on with this guy. Terus I sampat larr weii, this scene. 

Last but not least here's a sample of what you will see more of in the movie. Personally I can't forgive myself if I were to be photographed with my underarms in that state, but it sends a good hippie message la. Why would you shave away God's gift kan? Plus shave bumps are damn nasty, so seriously if a guy doesn't mind the 'Jane' look I'd be so damned terharu. Wax strips are getting more and more expensive lar these days.



DL Links:

http://www.filez.st/file.php?id=MjQxNDc2
http://www.vo2ov.com/Cosi-Fan-Tutte-1992-iTALiAN-DVDRip-x264_1028812.html
http://fenopy.com/torrent/cosA+fan+tutte+aka+all+ladies+do+it+tinto+brass+1992+/MTc3ODIwOQ

A Wasted Steamy Weekend, or Belum Masak Lagi Dah Tau Akan Lapar (lepas masak tu)

For some reason, our attitude towards life and responsibilities have been really lax this week. What better way, then, to make use of time then to blindly go through a series of movies with no sense of purpose or direction, other than to serve you mysterious readers out there.

Sometimes in life, we need to experience varieties in order to fully appreciate things. Well, our selection this time each has its own uniqueness... please read on to find out. Janganlah tekan video je ye. Although that is okay too, since Aku Tak Insaf has spent so much time and energy searching for them. Hehe.

First in store is probably the funniest. We'd say this would be the kind of thing to put on the DVD when you have a bunch of friends (secretly horny idiots) around to entertain. It's farce, it's funny, and it features girls with varying boob size for the satisfaction of a wide range of audience. Guys will love this as well, as there is absolutely no birdie in sight, only oysters. For fans of Sex and Zen, and Japanese AV, history, legends, period movies and whatnot.

The Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopsticks (2008) 

The lucky guy. He has no time to think of ex-lovers. Goes around shattering hearts with his warm gun. Pursues work in government for money, power and extra leisure time. How smart.

hkcinemagic.com

This scene might not be as haram as you'd think. That's his wife on top, and she clearly approves.

This, however is haraaaaammmm super duper haram. What is he doing, you ask? Why, answering a female monk's (nun) prayers of course. 

An awkward moment for the two of us. ATI had to run away to avoid seeing this. A glimpse of one of the most disgusting, ancient fetishes ever. If you have not heard of foot binding... well you should visit this blog more often to not miss out on other important life lessons. This, however, is an unrealistic depiction of a bound foot. I hope they did not use a child for this. To my future husband, you massage my feet every night pun cukup lah ye. Tak perlu sampai macam ni. Hihiks. 

Since most of you visual animals don't bother to read anyway, here are videos for you to get an idea of what made us laugh so much. For the full experience, however, we encourage you to buy/download/stream the movie so you get a sense of the storyline yang so deep and mendalam. 

Hot Scenes from Sex And Chopsticks I - part-1

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Son witnesses parents having sex. Mother dies shortly afterwards. This movie is so unrealistic, the son didn't even got sad or traumatized afterwards. Sabar je la. Instead, he grew up with lessons on how to make his gun turn into steel. Geez. Dad was also so relaxed. He told the son, "Son, all you need to satisfy women is your [thing]. Learn how to get into their hearts and minds, and 15 mins of pleasure will seem like 45 minutes." Or something like that. I don't really remember the exact quote, just put it in quote to seem professional. There is wisdom in this, so guys, please take note. Stop talk! [inside joke] and start LISTEN (Beyonce)!

Hot Scenes from Sex And Chopsticks I - part-2

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More ridiculous, over-the-top scenes. Some roleplay, and random cannot-go (tak boleh blah) ness. It's farce farce farce, all the way. I don't even know what to say la. Just download it with subs or search for stream. It's worth a laugh or two and better than some konon-soft-porn-but-no-effect (to be reviewed soon after this) movies.

Now, if you're not a fan of farce, and prefer something a bit more 'realistic', this is one of the movies where it can't get closer to reality. 9 Songs, below,  is for fans of alt. rock and indie movies. The two main actors actually had real intercourse throughout this movie, during the course of filming. I was so impressed by this degree of professionalism that I had to close my eyes and peek through my fingers during one of the more intimate moments. It's like peeping at your neighbors, friends, or something. Tak sanggup.

But what to do, so real. No Japanese moans. Only good music and good 'memories' here folks.

9 songs (2004)

The Von Bondies & Franz Ferdinand were among my favorite bands featured in this. Skip the sex scenes for the concerts if you couldn't stand it (although we find them lovely and quite touching).

dvdbeaver.com

Playful seduction. Impishness and cunning, ingenious tactics are hard to resist as you can see here.

sbs.com.au

Siapa yang tak nak mandi setiap masa kalau macam ni?

Margo Stilley in naughty sex scene

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9 Songs Trailer - The most popular videos are a click away

The point to this movie? Sometimes sex and relationship are like good rock concerts. Exhilarating and sweet but it all must end.

*Sad for two minutes*

But finally. Last but not least. The BEST movie EVER (so being sarcastic here).

This movie made me want to dig my own grave ba. Crawl into a lion's mouth. Complain non-stop to my imaginary boyfriend.

Seriously The Best Movie. Ever:

Diary of a Sex Addict (2001)

It's supposed to be a thriller, but the only thing 'thrilling' about this were shots of the protagonist, a husband who leads a double life due to his addiction to sex. And the only thing that made those shots the teeniest bit thrilling were the typical 'horror' background music they played over them.

Nothing in here but porn-like scenes (minus shots of intercourse n all) of the guy having the same boring mechanical style of 'rough' sex with women around town.

Guy: Say cheese, not aaa!

You have no idea how rough this scene was. They were in a pub bathroom. This lady had to grab and smash almost everything in sight including lamps, mirrors and plastic-bathroom-flower vases in order to show her intense pleasure. On top of that, she screamed louder than those abang lelong lelong! at the pasar, until people outside got scared and ran out of the restaurant, thinking someone was being murdered. And as if that's not enough, the bartender even had to call 911.

People, please lar. Even if you want to have wild sex, no need roar like a hungry lion all the time and scare all the people around you lar. Aiyah so sampat (38) lar you all.

Kesian also to the protagonist, but padan muka to him. He got 'roared' at too, big time when his wife discovered his dirtyness. She really turned into a lion, we all got so scared and laughed out loud liao. We call her the '360 degrees' lion.

I feel like this is all due to his psychologist, who talked in whispering voices all the time, which is useless, annoying and did nothing to shake this guy into realizing the consequences of his action. Seriously, most annoying psychologist ever. Dunno if she was trying to seduce this guy or what ba.

Haihyahs. Sad lah. This was recommended by one of our friends from Myspace... don't think this is for us, and we didn't know what this movie was trying to be. Not steamy, not even close to being greasy. And in fact we were even eating really greasy food while watching this, but everything tasted SO dry. (Or maybe that was Aku Tak Insaf's cooking. Hihiks).

We prefer the top two instead, at least the ending for those was less excruciating.

But who knows. Give it a go, you guys might like it, especially if you like seeing old guys, MILFs and  err... a giraffe. A giraffe reincarnated, according to ATI, even made an appearance in this movie. Oh God... feel so berdosa towards the giraffe typing this. But true story lar. See if you can spot it ok.

Aiyah. Better go watch Puteri Gunung Ledang lah.

yang dah bekpest,
Aku Yang Berdosa

It's Showtime

A great, award-winning movie...

Showgirls (1995)

Yep, the best movie ever. In fact, this movie has won so many awards in the Oscar..for horrible films aka the Golden Raspberry Award (Razzies). Worst film, worst picture, worst actress, worst director...this movie won them all. To top that, here are some of its other achievements:

(source: IMDB)
1. Razzies record holder: 13 nominations and 7 wins in 1996 (and won the 8th in 2000)
2. The director (Paul Verhoeven) was the first director to tun up in person to collect Worst Direct and Worst Picture
3. Listed as one of the Top Ten Best Bad Films (argh..that's a mouthful) ever made in The Official Razzie Movie Guide

as a sidenote, "Elizabeth Berkley was paid only $100,000 for playing the lead in the film. When a special V.I.P. edition boxed set was released she requested $2,500 to be interviewed. They declined." DAMN. haha

Given these background information, do you really care what the story is about? Read wiki if you really need to. Let's cut the crap and go straight to the steamy scenes (listed in order of increasing intensity)

1. the "I have towels" dance


TEASING 37 (Elizabeth Berkley in 'Showgirls')
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2. The (in)famous pool sex scene
You might have seen this before and it might be famous for a bad reason. In fact, some people have listed it as one of the worst orgasms in movies. Elizabeth Berkeley was so out of control that she looked like a dying dolphin struggling to stay alive. Can't stand the guy's butt either.


Elizabeth Berkley
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Of course, anything as crazy as this deserves a remake..(oh god, i miss the gang in Another Gay Movie)

Watch this video on VideoSurf or see more Videos or Kyle Maclachlan Videos

3. the steamy lapdance


Elizabeth Berkley - Showgirls (lapdance)
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That's one hell of a lap dance. Probably one of the hottest I've seen so far. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is the guy in the video. I couldn't get over the fact that he's Orson Hodge in Desperate Housewives (DH). I almost felt like he betrayed Bree (his wife in DH)

Despite the awards, I think the movie isn't all that bad if you don't take it seriously and are not expecting too much except for some cheap steaminess. lousy acting (Elizabeth Berkeley gets upset and mad ALL THE TIME, even her dances look aggressive), predictable plot, shallow dialogue etc etc, but at least we didn't find it difficult to watch and there's a fair amount of boobs to keep you guys happy. There's no lack of porn elements in here: silly orgasms (from the pool sex), subtle girl-on-girl, unpleasant gang rape, sexy (strip, pole, lap) dances, plenty of young (and some old) flesh..It'd help too if you like Vegas stage performances. I don't mind watching a second time if I have nothing better to do.

Plot: 3.5/10

Sex: 7.5/10

Feeling unsexy,
aku yg tak insaf

Sex and Zen: Behold the scenes

This is a must watch especially if you are curious what would happen if Stephen Chow directs a pornographic film...

Sex and Zen (1991) 

shareseeking.com

You can probably tell from the poster that the setting is in ancient China but don't start thinking that the sex will be boring with the girls acting decent and malu2. Quite the opposite, actually.You can find almost all the elements of a soft porn in this sex comedy: girl(s) on girl(s), group sex, s&m, bondage, sex toys...and even animal sex. Yeah, they went this far. They didn't call it a classic for no reason. Let's take a quick peek:

Sex and Zen Free and Money New Movie - Funny videos are here

It's a story about a married scholar who felt unfulfilled, thinking there should be something better out there. So he decided to leave his wife behind at home and go on a research trip to learn more about sex...with other women. During the journey, he met a thief who later agreed to teach him how to break into houses unnoticed so that the scholar can sneak into people's bedrooms and sleep with their wives. But one day, by chance, the thief ternampak the scholar's XS batang and suggested that he should get a bigger one before he start curi people's wife. Taking the advice, the scholar got himself a horse penis and he was all happy and ready to start his sex adventures. Meanwhile, kesian the wife sorang2 at home. From a virgin who's disgusted by sex to a woman who enjoyed the great pleasures from sex with her husband, she's now so horny and lonely that she engaged in creative masturbation (which will be described in greater details lepas ni) and an affair with her gardener. She later got pregnant, ran away with the gardener, and was forced into prostitution. The story didn't end here. The scholar became sick due to having too much sex and had to be treated by a famous prostitute (uncoincidentally, his wife) but they couldn't recognize each other because in the wife's memory, the husband didn't have a XXXL batang while the husband's too rabun due to the illness to even see her face clearly...

Despite the merepekness of the movie, there's actually an ajaran behind it and you should watch the movie to find out what happens in the end and the moral behind the story.

On to the individual sex scenes.....

1. The wife's creative masturbation
To me...it's the most memorable scene. Given the setting of the story, I think that's the best possible way to satisfy her nafsu. She err...used a paintbrush (the calligraphy type) to masturbate. Can you imagine that? There was a split second in the trailer that showed the scene. She basically inserted the keras end of the brush inside her hole and jumped around the canvas and ended up making buruk paintings while masturbating. By the way, she also used her underground fluid to write a letter to her husband to tell him how much she missed him. Romantic nye. Maybe I should collect mine and put it in a bottle for my future husband to drink whenever he's thirsty at work...

2. The horse penis
The idea is ridiculous, I know. But there's nothing wrong with letting your imagination run a little too wild sometimes. You guys must have imagined having a bigger batang at some point in your life but whether or not you act on those wild thoughts is another thing. Since there were no such things as penis enlargement surgery, pills or related products at that time, the scholar could only listen to the thief's advice and get himself a horse penis. No big deal. But kesian pulak the horse's wife because the husband lost his penis and being a loyal wife, her husband's penis is all she ever wanted. So she terpaksa looked for the husband's batang, which already belonged to the scholar...and *roaring of thunder* the scholar had to pay back and layan the horny mare. neeeeyyyyyy

3. Intense sex in the bathtub
If you didn't notice a bathtub scene in the trailer, go back to play the video around 1:24. You can see the scholar's wife making movements yang over2 as if she's riding a dragon in the tub. That's the scene where she hooked up with the gardener. Before that she was masturbating with a brush (again) and her sound of pleasure caught the attention of the gardener who was dutifully doing his job outside. His interruption was unwelcomed at first but he soon convinced the horny lady with his amazing sex-in-the-underwater skills. What could be considered a rape turned into an intense and beautiful sex between the two. Too bad the modern bathtubs are not deep enough for us to try this. If I'm not rich enough to have a jacuzzi at home, I'll get a bamboo tong besar like this.

junjaowka.com

4. Of cloth and ladder
This is sex between the scholar and one of the women he curi. The sex is so sensual and passionate that it's almost love-making, except there's no love between the parties involved. The woman is the wife of a cloth shop tauke, which kinda justify the importance of the red cloth. Red is sexy, that's one thing..the other is just to mengharamkan lagi the act of stealing someone's wife -- having sex with the man's wife in his territory and on his inventory. One thing that's really over in this scene is when the scholar had to use a ladder to help him with the intercourse because kononnye now his penis dah too long for him to do it the normal way. Sometimes I think I don't want my man's thing to be too long, coz then there's no reason for him to not stay close to me during the act.

5. girls playing flute
nothing special if the girls are just playing flute with their lips. yes, it can be seductive to guys because it's sexy and whatnot..but they brought the flute to a place that it's never been before. I'm too straight to try this but feel free to try it if you're interested and/or if you're still keeping the flute you played in the band masa sekolah menengah. might as well kan especially if you're not playing it anymore and dah biar the flute in the storage for a long time. Don't forget to clear the dust though

cine-hk.chez-alice.fr

Alrighty, now some bonus trivia about the movie pulak.

1. If you're a Hongkong Drama fan, you should find the scholar familiar. He's Lawrence Ng, famous at one point because of the dramas "Healing Hands" I, II and III, in which he played the role of a decent doctor. But he appeared in Sex and Zen before the dramas and according to wiki, "Lawrence Ng once mentioned in an interview that he was embarrassed for having made the film and wishes that he instead be known for his serious character roles in modern and period drama TV series." Poor thing.

staging.mysoju.com

2. The tauke of the cloth shop should be a familiar face to you, if you love Chinese slapstick comedies especially in the 90s. Real name: Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong. Appeared in: Ten Brothers, some of the movies in God of Gamblers series, played monks in a few movies etc.

ent.sina.com.cn

3. The scholar's wife (Amy Yip) was famous for her great body, especially her boobs. The scholar can testify for her. Towards the end when he met his wife again in the brothel, he said "I've become suspicious as I was fondling your breast. I've been all over the world but there's no woman who had slim body but big breast like my wife". Amy Yip was a real sex goddess at that time; every guy fantasized about her. She was so famous that people started selling big pau named after her. It's called the "Amy Yip big bun". I might be wrong about this, but I think the bun only exists in Malaysia. Lucky us. If you wanna try it, the address is: No.25, Jalan13/142,Taman Orkid Desa,Cheras 56000 KL. However, if you're rajin and want to DIY, you can put whatever ingredients you want in the pau and make it a G- or H- or N-cup bun. nobody cares.

photo.blog.sina.com.cn

homemade 45G (just a guess judging by the size) Amy Yip Big Bun

 4. I didn't watch Sex and Zen II (Shu Qi's in it) and III. I may or may not watch it later but I'm definitely excited about the 3D Sex and Zen which is hopefully coming out next May. Apparently the first 3D porno ever. Can't wait! Jom watch ramai2 when the movie's out

Another bonus, just in case this long post wasn't enough to arouse your interest. It's also a trailer but with different scenes plus a totally kecoh Cantonese narrator.


Sex and Zen Theatrical Trailer
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Craziness: 9/10
Plot: 5/10
Sex: 8.5/10

yang tengah rasa nak attack man boobs,
aku yang tak insaf

mengintai dari tirai kamar: Man, Woman & The Wall (2006)

at some point in our life mesti kita pernah fall so hard to the point of dangerous obsession. kan? stalk myspace, facebook, stalk in real life, curi pensel dia, pinjam pemadam, write their names all over our notebooks...

tapi takyah la sampai cenggini...

ive got x-rated eyes. oh baby, oh baby

the plot: man leads boring life. man hears girl thru wall. man's life gets interesting.

filem ni agak grainy, and ada art-house feel sikit. that's one reason to watch, other than the fact that ianya membawa voyeurism ke tahap dewa. (just in case you're into that). plus, ada aoi sola, who is a japanese pornstar. (just in case you're into that). unlike other typical softcore films, there's also a plot twist in this (just in case you're into that too).

macam biasa, one of the reasons we selected this was because the overness of the cover, and the tak boleh belahness of the title. dgn bestnya kita pun tak disappointed. the protagonist's journey into obsession is hilarious, psychotic dan mmg WTF.

so is there such a thing as love at first sound? eargasm? pegila find out sendiri.

highly recommended untuk otaku diluar sana, and all u tak malu fans of hentai. or those who just enjoy a good laugh (with a twisted sense of humor?). we gave this 4/5.

amaran: please don't repeat this at home, especially di tengah bulan puasa. 

selamat mengekalkan semangat kejiranan, 

aku yg berdosa

Trasgredire (2000) aka Cheeky

This is pure ero stuff, which looked like it came straight from some guy's candy-assed wet dream. Probably the director, Tinto Brass'. Being girls, of course, we do not share the same dream material as you horny guys out there, so this was quite a difficult movie to watch - sampai pening2 tu! Tapi jgn risau, review ni adil, fair n square. ;)

This is the dvd cover. if u're sick n tired of dvd cover yg penuh mystery, nampak je mcm cool tapi content mmg blehh, then u'll be happy (i guess). in this case, dvd cover ni mmg paling straightforward so u get exactly what u see. lots and lots of bum and below action which seems to be the director's main focus. there's practically no guys in here, so if u hate hairy balls n love the ladies, this is for u.

on the set - harem scene

if u think the actress' behind is lawa then u'll be glad to know that the front pun match the behind jugak. she's also 'allergic' to underwear, so you won't see her in any throughout most of the film.

cinematography is not bad for softcore stuff mcm ni, with saturated colors to lure you in (like those fast food restaurant signs), so it looks like porn, but not cheap porn. again i nak stress how straight to the point this movie is, so if ur the impatient type yg mcm, mana boobs dia ni takde pun?! u can just chill, cause even the starting credits dah penuh dgn stuff yg boleh membatalkan puasa & memeningkan reviewers mcm kami ni. there's also intense girl-on-girl action, so be warned (or get ready).

supposedly there's supposed to be drama, romance, and comedy... but don't be fooled. we didn't laugh, except for one part which features pendayung sampan yg gigih berusaha. malangnya yg lebih banyak gelak dlm movie ni is the actress herself, in her dubbed italian voice. seriously an annoying laugh... but who knows.. might turn you on... just like their japanese-style moaning would. pretty rare la kot for europeans.

this movie is NR (not rated). our rating: 2/10 (tak cukup grease) but we think straight guys will love this. probably NOT the best movie to share with your girl unless she has a sense of humor and/or is infatuated with u, in which case she might not focus on the movie at all.

sekians.
xoxo
aku yg berdosa