You must be sick...

....if you're reading our blog on the first day of raya. Either that, or you simply love us too much. I know we're irresistible but control la sikit. Finish all your rituals and makan-makan before you indulge in steaminess ok, boys and girls. I have a life too so I'm just gonna quickly drop you some raya gifts then I'll scram. In return, I want your duit raya. Fair enough?

I think one of the most annoying things about public holidays/celebrations is tahap kefamilyfriendlyan of the holiday special tv programs. Bosanz and terlampau festive. Yes, most people memang enjoy the warmth and meriahness but there're people out there who are spending these occasions alone, or just macam I, antisocial and detest festivals. Petronas and buddies always come up with warm, and sometimes deep, tv commercials for the three major celebrations. Macam tak puas hati if orang tak terharu and nangis tengok the heartwarming scenes. Here in KGAS, we only share shallow and semi-arousing ads. We're 18-SX, nsfw (not safe for work) and always haram. If you want to stay pure and suci for raya, come back later. Go watch your U-rated (u for umum, i.e. safe for all human beings and animals) tv shows.

Hadiah #1: Something that melts you and make you happy

Hadiah #2: Dreaming the impossible (Warning: beware of flesh bombs)

Hadiah #3: A bunch of question marks in your head and potentially a chuckle

Hadiah #4: Colors and rainbow (even lower end chocolate can be sexual)

Hadiah #5: Gedik girl

Hadiah #6: Old school seduction

Lastly, sempena raya, I can't help but recycle something I shared before in here. One of the most memorable pictures I've ever seen. There are things you wanna forget but you just can't. It haunts you till whenever. This picture definitely has that kind of power on me.

To keep the innocence of this blog, it's best to not post it here. Click to view the picture

I hear some groans and uiews here and there. Raya is never the same anymore, isn't it?

Don't forget my duit raya. I don't do things for free. 

yang shouldn't be here,
aku yg tak insaf

Happy Birthday to Us

Oh man, it's been a year. This time last year we started Kau Greasy Aku Steamy or diediemustlove. I still have no idea which one of these is a better name that will stick and register in people's mind. 1 year ago, no one cared; It's still the same today. Whatever. One day when this blog becomes famous, we'll organize the biggest parade ever. When that day comes, we'll make you pay and die to join our parade and get all the attention we want from the government, police and tentera. Just you wait.

Reading back our first post, memang agak poyo. I still remember the day when we got all excited about starting a blog to share our passions.

as a note to ourselves, kita akan focus on steamy movies/porns, food, men, sex, gossips, gay and lesbians n all the other things yang kita kecoh abt at home. so tak yah la bace blog ni if u r looking for study tips, motivational advice or anything beneficial like that.

Let's see how much of these we have achieved.

Steamy movies/porns: well, I believe this is the thing that drove most of our first few loyal readers to this blog. It used to be the main attraction but unfortunately that's not the case anymore. As I mentioned before, aku yg berdosa doesn't want this blog to be just about steamy movies/soft porn. Also, we aren't cohabiting anymore. When we used to be domestic partners, we watched raunchy movies to pass time and to fill the house with our gersangness. Now that we aren't living together, suddenly dah tak ada reason and mood to watch steamy movies on my own. With no one to laugh, get shocked, amazed and excited together, it's just not something that I'd do when I'm alone in the room. FYI, my mum likes to pay surprise visit, especially when my door is locked lagi la dia curious. Imagine perasaan sorang makcik when she discovers her daughter loves steamy movies. So bear with it okay people. I'm still hoping to reunite with aku yg berdosa and re-engage in all the haram activities that we love so much. Even if dah tak ada jodoh with her, I'll find a new domestic partner and convert him/her into a sinful person if he/she is not one already. Worry not. The movies will be back.

Food: Minimal. Memalukan betul. We claim to be a sex and food blog, well, at least in the beginning. Obviously overambitious. As long as I don't care, I think no one would care. Dah banyak sangat food blogs anyway. Truth is, it's been a long time since I ate something impressive that can give me orgasm and force my small eyes to open wide.

Men: Hmm..not as many as I would like. Recently tak ada target baru, whether it's celebrity or in real life. That day I was in Bukit Bintang, hoping to find some eyecandies since dah ada kat the main campsite for arab dudes. End up teramat sangat kecewa. All the hot guys were hiding from me. Kenapaaaaaaa. Yang muka ok, ass mesti flat. Yang muka biasa, tummy mesti besar. Yang muka and ass ok, height mesti kurang. Susahnye nak cari whole package or the grade A++ hot arab dudes. Aku yg berdosa selalu je jumpa all the high quality ones, why can't I have the same!? Redundant nye this question. Obviously aku yg berdosa lagi pwetty, that's why she always gets people yang berstandard. Hmph.

Sex: I believe we've given a lot throughout the year. If you feel it's not enough, then it's likely that you're a sex addict. Take my advice, use your duit raya to see a therapist. It's for your own good.

Gossips: No one really cares about our personal lives pun

Gays and lesbians: As long as you all tak geli, we'll continue to talk about these interesting folks.

Reading on...

kite tak de kaitan pon, cuma 1 persamaan yg kita ade je skarang..kita gemok n desperately need to diet. so mana la tau kan, by the time kita blog next time, kite dah kurus.

If I was gemuk back then, then I'm obese now. I hate mirrors. And let me reassure you, when I say I'm fat, I really am. If my parents sell me off to the butcher now, they'll be rich. But anyway, aku yg berdosa dah kurus, so congrats to her. Good job, cayunk.

Ok2, dah nak end the post. If you read from the beginning sampai sini, thanks for being a great fan and sanggup listen to (read) our nonsense. To show our appreciation, aku yg berdosa will give you a bear hug and a french kiss when she sees you. Feel free to make an appointment with my babe.

Happy birthday, KGAS

aku yg tak insaf

Sex Around the World: Iceland

Comel kan this house? Don't judge a building by its design. Wait till you see the zoomed in image of the thing that's standing right in front of this kawaii house.

Ding dong. Yes, it's the stick and his friends who guard the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Húsavík, Iceland and bestow the great honor of hosting the biggest collection of penises in the world to this ordinary looking building. 

Opened in 1997, this museum exhibits over 200 penises of all sizes from mammals (includ. whale, polar bear, seal, dolphin, goat etc) in/around Iceland. The largest belongs to a sperm whale (70 kg, 170cm long) and according to the owner, "the full penis could in fact be five metres (yards) and weigh something like 350 to 450 kilos - but of course, the animal it came from weighed around 50 tonnes." As for the smallest, well, it's not worth a mention. Who cares about small penises? Just kidding la. The smallest is contributed by the poor hamster (only 2mm; can't see without a magnifying glass). Susah2 kene potong but still have to be reported as having the smallest penis. 

from the sperm whale [source]
These precious exhibitions are either preserved in containers like these..

or displayed on the walls...

elephant penis sticking out
If you're like me and can't get enough of the greatness of elephants, come take a closer look:

Still not impressed? The museum recently received a super duper generous donation -- a human penis. Mhm..a 95yo pakcik Páll Arason decided to show his penis to the world after his death. He must have made full use of it during his living years to make such a decision.

"He liked to be in the limelight, you know? He was a funny guy," he (the museum owner) said. "He was a boaster, a braggart ... he liked to be provocative."

Another gossip provided by the museum founder: Arason was a womanizer and he claimed to have slept with 296 women. (source)

The museum owner's looking forward to get a younger and bigger human penis (I can just infer and imagine what the 95yo penis looks like) soon. Dah ada volunteers rupanye. Whoever has signed up for organ donation, might as well consider making a donation to this museum. It's one of the 3658 ways to become famous after you die. Go make Malaysians proudddddd

Evidence: Letter of donation. Read more about Elmo here
The museum is also proud of its other collections such as penis art paintings, whips made of bull penis and lamp shades buatan bull nutsack. yikes.

scrotum lampshades. damn. lawa la plak.

In case you wonder siapa yang tak ada kerja and thought of collecting penises, nah ni la dia En. Sigurdur Hjartarson.

“Collecting penises is like collecting anything. You can never stop, you can never catch up, you can always get a new one, a better one” Hjartarson

Yea, you know he just can't stop when the title of the book he's drafting is called Icelandick. Good one.

For more information and pictures, check out the official site. If you're intrigued and can't wait to visit the museum, you gotta hurry. It's only open between May 20 and Sept 10, god knows why. Admission fee is 800 Iceland Krona (approx RM21), cheaper than 2 Burger King set meals. You have no idea how much I have to complain about food prices these days. But I can't show you the auntie side of me. Kata sex blogger kan..kena jaga image sikit.

Allergic to penises? I promise there'll be boobs next time, if you behave.

missing karaoke sessions,
aku yg tak insaf

Mice & Easy

Amboi ATI. Hidup lagi you ye! Where did you go?! My online messages tak balas, my SMS pun tak balas. Thank God I checked this blog today, despite kelajuan internet I yang sangat tak memberangsangkan. Thank you sebab ade mention I in your post, menunjukkan that you still haven't forgotten me yet *sedih*. Namun I nak clarifykan lah kan, your tuduhan is only 50% betul je. Although it is true that I have no life right now, I still have drafts lined up okay! I takkan pernah lupakan blog ini! *Drama*

Not that you people care anyway, right? Di bulan yang mulia ni, I'm sure korang busy mengawal nafsu and melayan dugaan yang datang dalam bentuk sirap bandung, cendol, agar-agar milo, bubur cha-cha, ayam percik... dan lain-lain kan? Ha... duduk depan laptop tu Kak Jah. Jangan nak pegi bukak peti ais eh! Habiskan bace post ni dulu.

*Clears throat* 

It seems that this month is not only important for Muslims - according to the Ethnic Chinese lunar calendar, this coming Saturday will be the day to celebrate Valentine's Day (in Taiwan at least). As reported in Malaysia Chronicle, crowds of singles have already been observed at the Xiahai City God temple in Taipei, where they pray to the God of Matchmaking. Apparently akak-akak and abang-abang datang from all over the world to make sure that they will have someone to spend time with. Contohnye, this one Japanese tourist who said, dengan nada yang agak urgent,

"I read guidebook about Taipei. And according to the guidebook, this place is good for love, so I come here. I need a boyfriend." 

Cara untuk make your wish to the God, according a staff referred to as Wu: "You need to tell the God your name, birth date, address and what kind of person you're looking for. If you already have someone in mind, then pray for the relationship to go smoothly." Wah so sistematik. Address pun dia take note. Macam boleh caya je! Tapi dengan bangganya, Wu ni cakap, temple tu dah couplekan lebih 50,000 abangs and akaks in the past 10 years. Iyelah~

"according to chinese folklore, the matchmaking god Yue Xia Lao (月下老) ties a string around the ankles of people destined to be soulmates. the two people connected by a red string of fate (紅線) are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. the string may tangle or stretch but never break." [source]

The most LOL was this comment from an anonymous abang: "Since I'm busy with work, so I'm hoping the God of Matchmaking can help me find a nice girl." Wonder siapa yang akan kena tied to him. Kesian if the girl jenis superglue and takkan dapat attention because of his busy-ness. 

But back to ATI -- don't tell me you tak angkat my calls sebab you're actually in Taiwan? 

To me, I don't think single life is all that bad. Females especially, takyah nak risau sangat that you will be condemned to a foreveralonetanpalelaki life, because now scientists have discovered a way to make sperm. ATI memang confirm la tak payah nak risau, since she is easily approached by men, terutamanya Middle Easterners *TRUE STORY more on this later*. The only drawback is that dorang belum cuba the experiment on humans yet, baru guna mice je. But it was so successful with the mice, that they are confident yang ada harapan for this to work on other mammals. Tapi kalau only work on mice pun, ATI still at an advantage jugak (inside joke but I will tell if you ask). Damn lucky her.

Yg makin gemuk even though puasa, 
Aku Yang Berdosa

Hard to Please

Not in a blogging mood sebab tengah lemah but since aku yg berdosa dah tak sayang you all, what to do kan? Now the only two things that she looks forward to everyday are buka puasa and dating with bf. So like it or not, it's me again. Sorry to disappoint all aku yg berdosa's fans.

Since I'm not in a romantic mood, let's just talk about a centuries-old tricky problem: how difficult it is to turn women on.

A while back, aku yg berdosa shared this article "On Men Pleasing Women in Bed -- Dina Zaman" with me.

Now, let me say that not all men are duds when it comes to bedroom skills, but there are some who just don’t know how to push women’s buttons. They view a woman’s body like those ancient television boxes. They fiddle and diddle with the switches but nada. On-off, on-off. Ada kilat petir, terus padam.

“Eh,” she asked. “Why ah, men like to do the Washing Machine Position a lot?’’
We stared at our uber cool friend. Whaa?
“You know la, when they’re in you, they move round and round you like a washing machine. Dia ingat aku ni dhobi ke?

Conclusion: some men try too hard to look for switches using their stick. Got stick but no brain also no use mahhhh.

clueless man in denial

If being naked, showing off your physical assets or even being inside a woman can please us, Playgirl would have been more popular among women. But the website seems more like a site that caters to women's best friends (or sometimes enemies) -- gay men. In the end, still men yang untung. What the hell.

Nice asses, totally the type I'd like...but simply not enough to arouse our desire to eat (or to be eaten by) them alive. Female version of such pictures would be great for Playboy and probably enough to drive some stay-at-home type of guys insane. No matter how fake their boobs are or how they all have the same face, men still get turned on when they see females' naked bodies. If only pleasing women is as easy as that.

A slightly more academic take on female's sexual brain.

Here is the raw, unfiltered record of one man's sexual proclivities—his private search history from America Online:
college cheerleaders
cheerleaders in Hawaii
pics of bikinis and girls
pretty girls in bikinis
girls suntanning in bikinis
college cheerleader pics in bikinis
christian advice on lust

And one woman's:

orlando bloom as vampire fanfiction
321 sex chat
kingdom of heaven fanfiction
cinderella wedding dresses
gossip on orlando bloom
legolas erotica
legolas heterosexual erotica
evil orlando bloom dark fanfiction
Men seek out visuals and go straight for orgasm. Women prefer stories and often favor conversation over culmination. The five most popular adult sites for men are all within the top 100 most popular sites on the entire Internet. All are webcam or video sites featuring anonymous graphic sex, such as PornHub, the most popular adult YouTube clone, which draws about 13.9 million visitors a month. In contrast, the most popular adult video site for women, For The Girls, draws a meager 100,000 a month (and up to half of those visitors are gay men).

In men, physical and psychological arousal are united. Men may be surprised to hear that this is not necessarily true for the ladies. A woman can be physically aroused yet mentally turned off—or downright disgusted—a finding replicated across dozens of studies. This disconnect explains why there is no "female Viagra": you can't arouse a woman's mind simply by arousing her body.

This is true in general, I think. For me, even if it's porn, I need a storyline to get me into the mood. I don't know if I'd google for "erotic romance" or "erotic stories" though. Imagination can sometimes make me go out of control and it'll be too much for me to handle. Ehem, even I pun tergeli with my own confession.

If you're interested in what lights the fire of desire in women, check out - a smart and sexy erotic journal for women, by women (to be honest, I don't get the "smart" part). They provide movies, photos, stories, articles etc based on their understanding of what arouse women. The intention is great. The only downside? You gotta pay to have access to the contents. I personally wouldn't pay to watch or read things that can potentially turn me on coz stories can't give me what I really want from men - their arms, smell, words and manliness. But if you happen to have an account (or will open one soon), share it with me. I just wanna see what that site is up to, not like I'll check out some hot guys' pictures in there. too

Let's hear from the professional on how to have better sex. Not a particularly useful video but people need to be reminded even if they've been told the same things a gazillion times. (If the play button doesn't show up, right click on the black screen and then click play from the menu)

There are things that I can't stand about the therapist. If you know exactly what they are, I announce you memang my soulmate.

the unaroused,
aku yg tak insaf

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...