Last Night, She Said

"Aku memang suka loud sex pun." - ATI

So one couple (note: married) will rent ATI's bedroom for quite some time. Her concern was that her bed creaks. Y'know, like bila kau baring atas tu and pusing-pusing, dia bunyik cam krek - krok - krek - kreek. "So camne kalo couple tu nak have sexitime?" asks ATI, sambil baring and testing2 bunyik katil dia dengan ganas - pegang bedpost, goyang-goyang. Hit her head against the pillow several times. Moved her butt up and down till the bed damn gegar. Testing yang kira intense la.

I told her, "Dude, kalo laki tu skillful enough kau can do it slowly la dey. Tak pun on the floor ke. On the chair while sitting down ke. Mana-mana lah."

"Hm. Takpelah. Aku memang suka loud sex pun."

Well ATI, as long as you don't do it while I'm next door I won't do this to you.

Totally unrelated but aku nak_cake_ni. It's a divorce cake, and I want it for my future contract-wedding. That's right, if I'm going to have to get married, might as well make it a contract one. Also, nak_cake_ni boleh jadi korang nye YM chatroom id. Bak kata our friend yang tak cakap Melayu but knows what "nak" means, why do most YM people have "nak" in their nicknames? Jawab. 

I feel like doing a post on FB's soon. Not Facebook, the other FB.

No X's and no O's.

The Virgin Monologues

Finally. After a few months of letting A.T.I nonchalantly spread lies about me (semen in my hand, semen in hair, semen everywhere), I am now back from the dead, and trust me, hi-protein be damned - I will be washing my hands, hair and body clean from those sticky slander. It's time to set course straight, one post at a time.

The subject of virginity is a real touchy-feely one. Yadayadayada, yeah I pun dah takde mood nak preach about this, so I'll just list down the points I have so far:

- Hymen restoration now a norm in Iran to obtain "virginity certificate" required by many families before marriage. Damn over tak leh blah langsung. This procedure is popular among divorced women who wanted to hide their previous marriage. Sigh. Perlu sangat ke per semua ni?

Total double standard, cam this BMW iklan I got from that link ATI posted.

You know you're not the first

- The hymen can be torn way before a girl's first intercourse. Fact la dey.

- Bleeding during sex is most often caused by not having enough lubrication aka Tak Cukup Turned-On

- Accept/ respect your perempuan seadanya. You may think she's not a virgin from the way she speaks padahal she is just a perempuan yang suka browse Internet or tengok steamy movies or tulis blog or just gatal but doesn't wanna admit it in general (banyak je leh list down kat sini). Pendek cite just love her for who she is. Jangan just nak belajar Maths so you can learn how to divide her parts if you know what I mean.

- Once you start to masturbate, you're technically not a virgin anymore. This applies to both sexes. Both pun sometimes equally gatal. Life is short. Be happy. Get over it. (But don't disrespect your parents/beliefs/society. Tak suroh pun ey.)

Yang suddenly so sampat & bitter at da same time,
Aku Yang Berdosa

Pu pu platter

This post is dedicated to people who don't bother to read what we write.

Rhythm & Boobs: "They won't fall out"

MTV Switzerland: "Sex is no accident. Always use a condom"

National Underwear Day (Mar 1 2011)
Brasilia, Brazil

Click here for more pictures...

10th Annual No Pants Subway Ride 2011
New York City

Others who supported this event...

Chinese Cleavage Clamp

Miss Turkey - Carl's Jr. Charboiled Turkey Burgers

World's fastest stripper

Lalan Bra Ad

Collection of Naughtiest Advertisements Ever

For more check out:

Ok dah. Thanks for checking out the videos and pictures. Best post ever kan? Purely visual, hardly verbal.

Tak merajuk pon,
aku yg tak insaf


Some say size matters, some say it doesn't. Well, if it doesn't, why would people put so much time and money into finding out whether or not it matters? At least those who approve funding this sort of research care..and the decision-makers are normally males. So really, guys are the one who are obsessed with size. Not us. We love you for who you are. Women don't care about anything. Oh, except for your heart, looks, wealth, personality, status.....

Some stats for those who care:

"85% of women were satisfied with the size of their partner's penis"
"....only 55% of men were satisfied"

A 2009 research by the Scots:

"One-third of the women (34 per cent) said that they were more likely to have an orgasm with a longer than average penis (14.5 centimetres), but nearly two-thirds said that they had no preference."

Reported by Czech women, seems to me the 34% are a little too demanding. Longer than 14.5cm (or 5.7inches)? Are you serious? Susah kot nak find that in Malaysia. Average Malaysian size is around 11.49cm or 4.4inches. Certainly not based on my own observation or my personal survey (I claimed a while ago that I'll carry out my little investigation on YM but I lost appetite for a specific reason that only the selected few know).

Check out the interactive map here.  Put your cursor over the country that you're interested in..and you'll get the exact average measurement at the bottom right of the legend box. It's not a coincidence that they assign red color to countries with unimpressive average penis size. It screams "Avoid having sex with men from this bloody country!" Sadly, Malaysia's one of the countries in red. Oh well, at least we are at the higher end of the red range.

Bottom 3:

Korea (North and South): 9.66cm (3.8inches)
India, Cambodia, Thailand: 10.16cm (4 inches)
China, Japan: 10.92cm (4.3 inches)

Husbands from some of these countries are notorious for the way they treat their wives. Maybe they are just transferring their insecurity and anger toward their penis to their women. Hmph.

We ain't that bad compared to these folks. But if you want to make your life miserable and compare upward, here are the winners..

Top 3:

Congo: 17.93cm (7.1 inches)
Ecuador: 17.77cm (6.9 inches)
Colombia, Ghana, Venezuela: 17.03 (6.7 inches)

I'm gonna share this with my imaginary daughter and make sure she rocks her geography and anthropology class. Choose your man wisely, girl. Meanwhile, I'm making travel plans to visit the dark green zones. Just kidding. I'll be happy with the orange (13.48-14.88cm) region. It's a good size and seriously, guys there turn me on like nothing else.

If, however, you aren't interested in the fancy map, just check out this list with everything you need to know about penis size.

It's not the end of the world if you have a shorter than average penis. As aku yang miang always reminds me, it's not the length that matters; it's the width. But err...if the width is not something you can be proud of either, you should consider one of these condoms that are tailored for whatever insecure issues you have with your penis. The manufacturer is more understanding than your girl. All the condom names are meant to feed your ego and make you feel like a real, strong man

Short and narrow:
Lifestyles Snugger Fit (1.75" width/7" length)
Contempo Exotica (1.75" width/7" length)
The Iron Grip (1.92" width/6.69" length)

Average length but still kinda narrow:
Bravo (2" width/8" length)
Beyond 7 (2.08" width/7.28" length)
Crown skinless (2.08" width/7.08" length)

Malas la have to reassure guys over n' over again that we don't care about size (as long as it's not a micropenis). If you want to carry this size anxiety until whenever, then go ahead. No one's stopping you. If we love you, we'll love you even when your penis is in a limp state. Get over it ok. Promise?

the stupid, lazy and gersang,
aku yg tak insaf
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