Baring with me

An alternative if you're sick of watching happy, festive holiday movies with your partner during Christmas...

Lie with me (2005)


The story is kinda cliche. The sexually free and hungry Leila goes around having one night stands with guys based on animal instincts/attraction, until she hooks up this hottie (David) who's as sexually aggressive as she is. Pure casual, unattached sex slowly mount into emotional and sexual tension between them as they start wanting and needing more than just sex from each other. Although there are side stories about other messiness in their individual lives, the main focus of the film is still pretty much lust, sex and love.

tribute.ca
The sex scenes and some of the lines are fairly explicit and sensual.


"Down on my knees for the very first time I remember there was all this hair in my mouth. I didn't think that was what it would feel like and the guy kept forcing himself in my face saying "please, please, please." He sounded like a little girl... I didn't know if I was supposed to close my eyes or keep them open, but it all just happened so quick. There was this flash. I looked up and I saw his head reeling and I knew he was happy because he kept saying my name. "Leila, Leila, Leila." His hand got lack on the back of my head and you know what I did? I got off of my knees and ran. That was what I thought to do. I kept running and running and running. I raced so fast that what happened made my heart burn. My heart hurt... as if I had just twisted a muscle. "        
                                                                                                                                                       ~Leila


Oops, definitely not the best conclusion for a blowjob but I can imagine doing what Leila did especially if I feel like I'm being treated like a tool.  



People who like the movie are those who masuk character and can feel the tension and chemistry between the two. People who don't like it thinks the movie is really pointless - nothing more than sex, meaningless, slow, dull. But isn't that closer to the reality? Oftentimes our lives are just as boring and less-than-purposeful. Fast-paced and crazy movies like Sex and Zen, Sex and Chopsticks may be hilarious and exciting but they are not real. To add to the rawness, movie makers should really consider using ordinary faces like Lee Kang Sheng (in Help me, Eros and The Wayward Cloud) for this type of movie to remind us that people like Leila and David exist in everyday life. If people around you are honest enough to tell you about their sex lives, you'll discover that they're not the person you imagine them to be. Your housemate (no..i'm not secretly referring to aku yg berdosa) may enjoy being watched on webcam while masturbating, your engineer friend may be a sex addict, your distant cousin may be a gigolo, your neighbour may be seeking group sex partners, your parents may like to......yeah yeah, i should stop. you get the idea. Ordinary people and ordinary lives but extraordinary, film-worthy stories.

main attraction: Eric Balfour's butt line
Anyway, the movie does try to be a little artsy especially when Leila's wandering on the streets accompanied by indie film type of narration that not everyone would appreciate (like those in 9 songs). I think we are caught somewhere in between, because it's not one of the best steamy, couple movies that we've watched but it's not bad either. At least, the guy's body looks yummy.

And finally, the trailer....


would someone other than AYB please lie with me,
aku yg tak insaf

Ultra random

Okay, forgive me for digressing from the real purpose of this blog. I promise this post will get steamier as you read but I gotta start the post with a video & song that's been sticking in my head for the past few days. I've been thinking about it so much that I bangun je from my nap, I terus asked aku yang berdosa "ei, takpe ke aku nak post who you finna try dalam blog?". She tergelak. Nampak sangat the video & song haunt me even in my sleep. I've shared this video on facebook but since some of you aren't friends with us on fb, allow me to present our favorite video of the week (and probably the year):



People who know me would know that Who you finna try is so not my type of song. But I was so impressed that I had to download the song. Aku yang berdosa and I can't stop singing those two lines "who you finna try" and "I bet it ain't me", not forgetting of course the aaaaaahhhhh that's so annoyingly best. We're still trying to master the art of hair whipping and the technique to open our mouths as wide as a rhinoceros. So hopefully, we can proudly share our hard work one day in this blog. This could be my only chance to slap aku yang berdosa. Bless me!

Here's another video that also berjaya to stir our emotions, but in a bad way though.



Qouting Dato' Siti Nurhaliza in one of her interviews on isu tudung"Siti tak pernah nak cakap Siti ni baik. Ikut la Siti. Ikut la Siti sebagai contoh ye. Tak eh. Siti tak cakap macam tu". Aku yang berdosa and I also don't claim to be baik and so, we're not in the position to kutuk them for kissing in the public, jatuh maruah etc. But, can the guy and his friends be any meaner? "Oi bai, ada racun doh", bodoh this bodoh that. Seriously can't stand the arrogance and smug look on the bf's face. In short, memang tak de kerja la.

Okay..dah. tukar mood.

.
.
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Don't know since when Christmas has become a season for lingeries. Here's a series of commercials that caught my eyes:

1. La Senza

I personally think this is pretty creative. The video shows bra ladies singing note that reflects their bra size A to G. If you're can't get enough of the Christmas song (yeah right), check out The Cup Size Choir official site to play with the girls. Oh yeah, you can play with them using your keyboard and create the most beautiful Christmas music. But I gotta say, it's kinda creepy to see the girls breathing and slightly twitching their bodies even when you're not doing anything and just staring at the page. Not saying this out of jealousy, but I honestly think F and G cups are simply too much. Maybe guys don't feel the same. I know some enjoy the feeling of not being able to cover their partner's boobs with their gigantic hands, but some prefer to feel like they have the boobs under control. Comment la to tell us what you like and what's the ideal bra size for you. Jangan malu2 ye.



2. Victoria's Secret

"Victoria's Secret asks what's your fantasy?" Surely pretty babes showing off their assets and VS bras is not, and will never be, in my list. The horse scene definitely reminded me of the Old Spice ad, which also reminded me that I haven't smell a guy in a long time. Gersang I. haha.



3. Fortnight Lingerie

This is not really a Christmas special but I just want to share it anyway. The first video is girl-on-girl and the second is more indecent, mostly because the pak tam looks too gatal. Show these videos to St. John and Red Cross members and I'm sure they'll be so motivated to learn their first-aid lessons well. Or maybe this could be part of your doctor-patient game in the bedroom. Jom learn CPR!


Super Sexy CPR from Super Sexy CPR on Vimeo.


Super Sexy Abdominal Thrust from Super Sexy CPR on Vimeo.

who you finna try?!
aku yg tak insaf

One-Eyed Trouser Snake

It's been a while since we came out with anything but movie reviews. You know KGAS is about much more than that. So, without further ado, here's some old news (but shocking nonetheless) for you guys out there who's thinking of being macho and getting inked. Be warned, it might just backfire. 


Man 'tattoos 40cm penis on friend's back' in Australia

An amateur tattooist is facing assault charges after he inked a 40cm penis on a friend's back, who only wanted 'a Yin and Yang symbol with some dragons'.
Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/845183-man-tattoos-40cm-penis-on-friends-back-in-australia#ixzz18Club29q


Alongside the penis illustration, the 21-year-old Australian tattooed an unspecified slogan implying said friend is gay.
Police say the 25-year-old victim was talked into getting a tattoo while visiting his mate, but he asked him for an oriental design and emphatically not a giant back-based phallus.
'Apparently he went round to the other bloke's house and somehow in the course of the conversation the subject of tattoos came up,' explained Detective Constable Paul Malcolm.

'The victim wasn't interested at first but he was talked into it and he said he wanted a Yin and Yang symbol with some dragons.'
After being told not to venture out into the sun or show anyone for a few weeks, the freshly inked chap promptly went home and unveiled the work to his flatmate, who informed him: 'I don't think it's the tattoo you were after.'




A somewhat related video. I played it till the end because of the awesome 2nd song. So what kind of a person gets dick tattoos? And for what? Hell I don't wanna know. To all girls (and guys?) out there, make sure to check your partner for questionable tattoos before you get serious, okay?


xAYBx

Help Me, Eros

Help Me Eros (2007)


My passion for The Wayward Cloud led to our search and watching of a series of films produced by Tsai Min Liang and starring his favorite actor, Lee Kang Sheng. Mind you, they've been working together for more than 20 years now and Tsai Min Liang said in an interview that "I would never make another movie without Lee". Terharu. 


Help Me Eros (2007) [Trailer]
Uploaded by iskander80. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

Jie's depressed (Lee Kang Sheng) after losing all his money in the stock market. He starts smoking home-grown (more like closet-grown) marijuana and turns to a suicide hotline counselor for emotional support. In his fantasy, the counselor (Chyi) is a young lady dressed sexily who masturbates to his voice and exhales marijuana smoke (kononnye she receives the marijuana smoke from the other end of the phone). Turns out that the counselor (Chyi) is just an overweight, almost obese woman who's neglected both sexually and emotionally by the chef husband...who's actually gay. The husband schemingly masak sedap2 and make the wife become fat so that he has every reason to not have sex with her. It's like if I can't give you sex, I shall shower you with food. Once upon a time when I was still innocent, I used to hope that my future husband has really low sex drive so that he won't ask for sex all the time - just nak cuddle and pillow talk je. But now, I think it's a SIN for a husband to not make love to his wife, even if he's gay. Tak boleh dimaafkan. If this ever happens to me, I'll share my frustration in this blog and not hesitate to find an affair.

Anyway, to keep her sanity, the poor wife had to use the help of live eels to satisfy her nafsu. No idea how the eels would help? Just imagine them moving and tickling her body and her private parts... and yeah, you know the rest. Such a sad, lonely scene though. Kesian betul the wife. I can totally feel her pain when I masuk character and imagine myself jadi like her. In this one scene, she walks dejectedly with a tub of ice-cream, hopelessly eyeing the husband and his bf playing pool (pic below)... as the camera pans toward the couple, ha! baru la nampak that rupanye they are pantless. It's like they're playing a separate pool game down there..stick hitting balls. Soooo scandalous.


Help me, Eros is more colorful than most Tsai's films, mostly due to scenes of girls in revealing outfits selling pinang and cigarettes to gatal old men (called betel nuts/pinang beauty) in kiosks. Jie loves to pick-up these pinang beauties and he later has a little something going on with some of the beauties. One of the memorable sex scenes is the acrobatic 69 position, which is pretty intense and amusing. This is my first time seeing such a position on screen. Looks really challenging, but if Lee Kang Sheng can do it, so can you.




More challenging positions for your reference, especially if you have threesome from time to time.




A longer trailer for perverts who are into deep, creative steamy movies, like me. If you don't understand Mandarin, fast forward to 5:15 for interesting scenes: the gay husband playing pool with bf scene, self-pleasuring with eels in the bath tub, 69 position, and one of the liveliest sausages in motion.


Bonus video for the gatals: scenes of the counselor in Jie's fantasy and random almost-naked girls dancing



Although directed by Lee, this movie is still shadowed by Tsai's style. Slow-paced, symbolic, controversial, daring, creative....This is my second favorite, because The Wayward Cloud is simply unsurpassable. So, if you like The Wayward Cloud even a little, then you'd most probably enjoy Help me, Eros too. 


Needing Ero's help,
aku yg tak insaf

Tantalizing Thursday

I cannot concentrate on work so naturally perusing the Internet suddenly became a priority. Anyway.

Look at what I found!

A very interesting question asked at Answerbag...

My friend will buy me dildo for bday, hubby feels disrespected by her doing this, he says he'll burn it when I get home. Should I ask him if I can use it JUST once out of curiosity? Or just secretly use it when I get it at work before I go home to him?

You guys can click on the link to see the kind of answers people are giving. Some of them are hilarious, especially the one which advised tying the husband to the bed post. Personally though, I'm curious at the trying-it-at-work part. Can you people imagine sneaking a huge 'toy' past your bosses and cowerkers at work? Haram giler wei.


Oh yeah. Can you imagine if she had gotten a glass dildo instead? That would be impossible to burn, wouldn't it? Wonder what the hubby would do then... 


Hurmm.... 


Also from the same site:




Tak boleh nak scandalous lagi? Totally reminds me of the French movie Ma Mere (My Mom). You guys haven't seen that movie? Don't worry, it'll be reviewed soon. 


In other unrelated news, can someone help me interpret this painting? 


In case korang tak nampak painting ni la kan: So the girl is wearing tudung (teghingat da plak, tudung 3gp dan video scandalous dalam lif tuu), but not wearing seluar. The donkey's 'carrot' is showing. And out of nowhere... there's an old guy menservice diri sendiri di belakang itteww. 


Apakah maksud semua ini? Whose wet dream was all this?! Huargh!


Hurm...

Yang need closure, 
Aku Yg Berdosa

With a Stranger [In Bed] ~ En La Cama

Many people have asked Aku Tak Insaf and myself, kenapa tulis blog macamni? (Why did you start this blog?) Well, someday we'll probably answer that in detail. But the short answer for you now is, we write because we want to expose people to movies like En La Cama. (And also good food but that is a different story).

In Bed. Where You Love. Where You Betray.



This movie adresses important questions such as, can amazing casual sex actually lead to something more? Can two strangers connect to find meaning? If you've just had this awesome sex with this stranger, would you just leave it as a one night stand? What is a relationship? These and more are some questions you can think about while watching this movie to procrastinate and avoid doing work. 

Okay, before you get turned off, I have to clarify that you will get to see boobs and more in this movie. Dare I say boobs and brains? Hm. For me, of course the attraction is the guy too. 



En la cama literally means "in bed" in Spanish. So forget it if you're looking for some scenic scenes. The actors are in bed all day/night, so all you get is them, err.. physically and emotionally bonding. Literally. That's all they do. Sex, then break, then talk, then sex again and again haiyerr but quite nice la heheheh. 


Sometimes all you need is someone to be with... even for one night. 



Doing some serious thinking after exercising. 


I've noticed people like to shoot couples in hot tubs. Yes, I can see the attraction. 



This guy damn comel. If some (hot) guy looks at me like this while baring on the katil for sure I'll melt into liquid yang meresap ke dalam carpet wtf. 

Trailer with subs... 




One of the best scenes... basically telling guys not to think with their batangs only... yeah yeah you already know that right?





It's not porn, it's not cheap and it's not desperate. One of our favorites of all time. Okay go watch this movie. Better, watch with your girl.

PS. To people who are interesting in finding/dl-ing movies we recommended to you online but couldn't find them, let us know so we can try to find links for you next time. Contact us through comments, email chatbox, Facebook or YM.

Yg dah avoid work for one week,
Aku Yg Berdosa

Don't look down - when sexual fantasies come true

No Mires Para Abajo (2008)



This is a beautifully sensual movie that you should watch with your gf. Your girl would like this film even if she's not as gatal as us. In a way, I think girls would like this better than guys since Tantric sex is mostly about prolonged love-making, sexual harmony and union, concentrating and savoring every moment of the experience. It's just so romantic and intimate (nothing dirty, rude or kinky) that I don't see why your girl wouldn't like it. Oh plus, the guy is a cutie. Feels like keeping him in my pocket je



The young lad (Eloy) accidentally falls onto the lady (Elvira)'s bed through her skylight when he's sleepwalking on the roof. It so happens that Elvira practices Kama Sutra and she offers to teach Eloy, who's obviously innocent but curious dalam bab2 ni, the essence of Tantric sex.

As you see in the trailer, most of the sex scenes involve Elvira, the guru, guiding Eloy through spiritual talks and principles of Tantric Sex "Slowly, slowly. Enjoy the moment". Yang best nye, she has little games and challenges for him. Tengok tu: "our first goal will be for you to reach 81 thrusts without climaxing". Adoi. 81 kot So impossible for a guy who just started having sex to be extra sabar and tahan from coming. Just look at his helpless face when he said "I'm going to die"...kesian him. If I were the lady, I probably would give in to this cute little boy. "Ok, takpe la. just come. We'll try again next time." *pat his hair* No wonder I'm not a guru. So permissive. But, that could just be because this guy has this kiddish cute look and I tak sampai hati to be cruel and not let him come. I have to admit though, other times I simply enjoy seeing guys' tak tahan face whenever they want to come but can't, either because they themselves want to hold longer or the girls explicitly/implicitly want them to continue. I just like to watch guys suffer in bed. Haha. How psycho does that sound?


I'd say this is not a movie for you to masturbate to. You can, but I just feel like you'd appreciate it more if you're watching it with your partner. You could also learn along with Eloy, following through Elvira's technical talks. Who knows what kind of out-of-body experience you might have when you hold your orgasm long enough (81 thrusts, according to her). If you can't imagine what it would be like, watch Eloy's expression around 0:33. Looks like he's singing like a diva but nope, that's when he reaches the state where he can mentally travel to some other places. How amazing.


I just can't get enough of the face Eloy makes (and of course the deep breaths, saliva sallowing and strong and fast heart beat) when he's trying to control his climax while Elvira talks him through.. whatever it is.... I really don't think many guys can stand this. The girl keeps talking and you're not allowed to come. All I can say is, be patient when you are facing the same situation. It's for your own good.


Let's end this post with a Latin dance featuring Elvira and her grandma. One last time, I have to say Eloy's expression is simply priceless. I want to own him!


Learning to love as God commands,
aku yang tak insaf

All Ladies Do It - 1992

"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening"
- Così fan tutte (1992)

To the fans of cult, you surely must have heard of Caligula. We've browsed through the gore that is Caligula, and so we were surprised that it was directed by the same Italian director who did Cheeky, which we featured some months ago. Ah, Tinto Brass. What an obsessed man. 

ATI put this movie on our queue without my knowing, her reason for choosing it is solely based on the poster you see below. "I dunno la. I saw the butt and just decided to see the movie." That's what she said!

You should do that to. 


Cosi fan tutte is inspired by that masterpiece of Mozart. The genre here is supposedly erotic comedy, but we think Tinto made this movie for his own amusement. Nuckall betul dia ni. Tinto's so obsessed with butts and genitalia. Which is good in a way kot, making this movie into a very educational one even for us, because you don't always get to see the hairy monsters that people hide under their pants/skirts. Senang cite just watch this if you're really interested.

So what happens when a husband is unawares of his wife's wild sexual desires? She goes out and have more, of course. Yeah, all ladies seriously do it. 



They all wear this useless bra in their bedrooms while writing letters of heartache. 


But this is a good wife lar. All her sexual adventures is so she could bring her 'fantasies' to the bedroom, in the end to please the husband who sort of looks like somebody's soon to may, or may not be, ex. This alone is enough to make me give this movie a thousand stars. The husband ni bila balik rumah, turned on by the wife's cerita of nakal things she did... little did he know that they are not just made-up stories, but real life experiences kot, HAAAA. Sampat terus I. 

For example, she went to this poem reciting event by a celebrated poetess. Since we were so awed by the poem and it's "deepness", we decided to type up the most interesting parts for you: 



I'd like to fuck you
and not touch you
and loose-tongued, 
make a chant resound 
among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

(Whoaa, me and ATI seriously went "whaaat uncertain hairs of your ass???? Whoaaa")

I'd like to stuff dancing cunts in your mouth. 
… and down between your balls
suck your cock into my heartache. 

(Must be some passionate bj)

Lick your knees, 
and upwards to your heart.

(Sure, we all know the location of a man's heart)



After the poem, the wife was inspired to have this adventure. Tu tattoo lips, so bila 'pirate' ni move his hands, it looks like someone's lips is moving all over her butt. Scandalous gileww. Anyway guys take note, this is how to gross out your partners ya. 


After this, the wife became obsessed la pulak to get her backside door virginity taken. Eww. Not everyone is into this okay, clearly this is mostly a guy's nuckall fantasy. Don't know who'd really like anything up their asses, seriously. 

She requested the husband to do it, but he won't. So, dia lari lah mencari orang lain. Padan muka the husband, who looks like someone's ex (maybe). 


So I will not lie. This is the best, most impressionable kissing scene I ever saw my entire life. These two mouths seriously have chemistry. Such a passionate and needy kiss yet gentle and beautifully choreographed at the same time. Claudia Koll kissed a lot of men and more in this movie, but it made me wonder if she has something going on with this guy. Terus I sampat larr weii, this scene. 



Last but not least here's a sample of what you will see more of in the movie. Personally I can't forgive myself if I were to be photographed with my underarms in that state, but it sends a good hippie message la. Why would you shave away God's gift kan? Plus shave bumps are damn nasty, so seriously if a guy doesn't mind the 'Jane' look I'd be so damned terharu. Wax strips are getting more and more expensive lar these days.



DL Links:

http://www.filez.st/file.php?id=MjQxNDc2
http://www.vo2ov.com/Cosi-Fan-Tutte-1992-iTALiAN-DVDRip-x264_1028812.html
http://fenopy.com/torrent/cosA+fan+tutte+aka+all+ladies+do+it+tinto+brass+1992+/MTc3ODIwOQ

Important Life Lesson

For the first time, this blog is sharing some really useful advice with our, openly or secretly, sexually curious readers. 

Guys/gays, share this with your gf/bf if your adik desires better treatment, but make sure your lady tak terasa she's not doing a good job. It's a risk you have to take. You might end up getting nothing for quite some time, if your girl is as unforgiving as me and likes to merajuk. 

Ladies, apply the techniques only when your man deserves the best. Don't go all out for guys who are not even willing to go down on you. It's only fair if he appreciates what you're doing to take care of his little brother and reciprocates.

4chan.org

Believe it or not. If you don't forward this post to 10 people you love within the next 10 minutes, you'll not receive a bj for the next 10 years. I mean it.

the caregiver,
aku yg tak insaf

Don't play-play ah!!

As a child, happiness came to me usually in the form of a new toy. My favorites were Legos, a toy horse and three Power Ranger figurines that I share with my siblings. Playtime was all the time, and our fantasies were boundless. I'm sure you guys could still remember your favorite toys too, and that warm feeling they used to give you kan?

I used to have this fear of growing up, thinking that adult life would be boring, toy-less and no fun at all. Boy, was I shocked to discover the kind of toys that are available for adults these days, and the kind of games that they get played with! (No wonder there are some grown ups that still get spanked.)

As open minded as I try to be, still can't believe that some of these exist. But then again, tacky and scary to me, might be thrilling and sexy as hell to others. Without further ado, courtesy of Cracked.com, THE 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys

Here are a few highlights:

At number 11, The Tongue Vibrator: 


I find this the most disturbing of all. Look at how life-like this tongue is. Can you bear to have a mechanical thing made to look like a human organ lapping all over you? Well, Aku Tak Insaf sure can. This is her favorite out of the lot and if she had to choose, she'd probably buy this one. I was flabbergasted to say the least. 

Fun Website Quote:
"The sweet licking motion provides endless and tireless rhythm"


To guys who face the huge dilemma of whether or not to use both hands on the steering wheel while driving, check out the AUTO SUCK. 

"Designed to be plugged into any car cigarette lighter"

Better make sure your driving instructor does not own this. Or THIS!


Just cannot tahan the fun website quote:

Fun Website Quote:
"Smaller than the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!!"


Read More

Think you've seen enough? Wait till you scroll down to number one. And yes, is the MOTHER of all Horrors. I don't even know what to call this. The people who made it call it, Mr. Jack with Mustache.

Bonjour Monsieur. Say "aaaa"

Aargh. Why would anyone ever NEED this kind of thing? Kill me now, and kill me fast. Don't think I'll be able to recover if I find my guy and his pal Mr. Jack. No thank you, Sir. 

PS/ Coming soon, the weirdest NSFW fetish featuring something you would not believe...


Off to find my human play-thing,
aku yg berdosa

A Wasted Steamy Weekend, or Belum Masak Lagi Dah Tau Akan Lapar (lepas masak tu)

For some reason, our attitude towards life and responsibilities have been really lax this week. What better way, then, to make use of time then to blindly go through a series of movies with no sense of purpose or direction, other than to serve you mysterious readers out there.

Sometimes in life, we need to experience varieties in order to fully appreciate things. Well, our selection this time each has its own uniqueness... please read on to find out. Janganlah tekan video je ye. Although that is okay too, since Aku Tak Insaf has spent so much time and energy searching for them. Hehe.

First in store is probably the funniest. We'd say this would be the kind of thing to put on the DVD when you have a bunch of friends (secretly horny idiots) around to entertain. It's farce, it's funny, and it features girls with varying boob size for the satisfaction of a wide range of audience. Guys will love this as well, as there is absolutely no birdie in sight, only oysters. For fans of Sex and Zen, and Japanese AV, history, legends, period movies and whatnot.





The lucky guy. He has no time to think of ex-lovers. Goes around shattering hearts with his warm gun. Pursues work in government for money, power and extra leisure time. How smart.

hkcinemagic.com

This scene might not be as haram as you'd think. That's his wife on top, and she clearly approves.



This, however is haraaaaammmm super duper haram. What is he doing, you ask? Why, answering a female monk's (nun) prayers of course. 


An awkward moment for the two of us. ATI had to run away to avoid seeing this. A glimpse of one of the most disgusting, ancient fetishes ever. If you have not heard of foot binding... well you should visit this blog more often to not miss out on other important life lessons. This, however, is an unrealistic depiction of a bound foot. I hope they did not use a child for this. To my future husband, you massage my feet every night pun cukup lah ye. Tak perlu sampai macam ni. Hihiks. 

Since most of you visual animals don't bother to read anyway, here are videos for you to get an idea of what made us laugh so much. For the full experience, however, we encourage you to buy/download/stream the movie so you get a sense of the storyline yang so deep and mendalam. 



Son witnesses parents having sex. Mother dies shortly afterwards. This movie is so unrealistic, the son didn't even got sad or traumatized afterwards. Sabar je la. Instead, he grew up with lessons on how to make his gun turn into steel. Geez. Dad was also so relaxed. He told the son, "Son, all you need to satisfy women is your [thing]. Learn how to get into their hearts and minds, and 15 mins of pleasure will seem like 45 minutes." Or something like that. I don't really remember the exact quote, just put it in quote to seem professional. There is wisdom in this, so guys, please take note. Stop talk! [inside joke] and start LISTEN (Beyonce)!


More ridiculous, over-the-top scenes. Some roleplay, and random cannot-go (tak boleh blah) ness. It's farce farce farce, all the way. I don't even know what to say la. Just download it with subs or search for stream. It's worth a laugh or two and better than some konon-soft-porn-but-no-effect (to be reviewed soon after this) movies.

Now, if you're not a fan of farce, and prefer something a bit more 'realistic', this is one of the movies where it can't get closer to reality. 9 Songs, below,  is for fans of alt. rock and indie movies. The two main actors actually had real intercourse throughout this movie, during the course of filming. I was so impressed by this degree of professionalism that I had to close my eyes and peek through my fingers during one of the more intimate moments. It's like peeping at your neighbors, friends, or something. Tak sanggup.

But what to do, so real. No Japanese moans. Only good music and good 'memories' here folks.




The Von Bondies & Franz Ferdinand were among my favorite bands featured in this. Skip the sex scenes for the concerts if you couldn't stand it (although we find them lovely and quite touching).

dvdbeaver.com
Playful seduction. Impishness and cunning, ingenious tactics are hard to resist as you can see here.


sbs.com.au
Siapa yang tak nak mandi setiap masa kalau macam ni?






The point to this movie? Sometimes sex and relationship are like good rock concerts. Exhilarating and sweet but it all must end.

*Sad for two minutes*

But finally. Last but not least. The BEST movie EVER (so being sarcastic here).

This movie made me want to dig my own grave ba. Crawl into a lion's mouth. Complain non-stop to my imaginary boyfriend.

Seriously The Best Movie. Ever:




It's supposed to be a thriller, but the only thing 'thrilling' about this were shots of the protagonist, a husband who leads a double life due to his addiction to sex. And the only thing that made those shots the teeniest bit thrilling were the typical 'horror' background music they played over them.

Nothing in here but porn-like scenes (minus shots of intercourse n all) of the guy having the same boring mechanical style of 'rough' sex with women around town.


Guy: Say cheese, not aaa!

You have no idea how rough this scene was. They were in a pub bathroom. This lady had to grab and smash almost everything in sight including lamps, mirrors and plastic-bathroom-flower vases in order to show her intense pleasure. On top of that, she screamed louder than those abang lelong lelong! at the pasar, until people outside got scared and ran out of the restaurant, thinking someone was being murdered. And as if that's not enough, the bartender even had to call 911.

People, please lar. Even if you want to have wild sex, no need roar like a hungry lion all the time and scare all the people around you lar. Aiyah so sampat (38) lar you all.

Kesian also to the protagonist, but padan muka to him. He got 'roared' at too, big time when his wife discovered his dirtyness. She really turned into a lion, we all got so scared and laughed out loud liao. We call her the '360 degrees' lion.

I feel like this is all due to his psychologist, who talked in whispering voices all the time, which is useless, annoying and did nothing to shake this guy into realizing the consequences of his action. Seriously, most annoying psychologist ever. Dunno if she was trying to seduce this guy or what ba.

Haihyahs. Sad lah. This was recommended by one of our friends from Myspace... don't think this is for us, and we didn't know what this movie was trying to be. Not steamy, not even close to being greasy. And in fact we were even eating really greasy food while watching this, but everything tasted SO dry. (Or maybe that was Aku Tak Insaf's cooking. Hihiks).

We prefer the top two instead, at least the ending for those was less excruciating.

But who knows. Give it a go, you guys might like it, especially if you like seeing old guys, MILFs and  err... a giraffe. A giraffe reincarnated, according to ATI, even made an appearance in this movie. Oh God... feel so berdosa towards the giraffe typing this. But true story lar. See if you can spot it ok.

Aiyah. Better go watch Puteri Gunung Ledang lah.


yang dah bekpest,
Aku Yang Berdosa

Get out of your bed: Beachy sex

Previously on Get-out-of-your-bed....
(this is not a tv drama, so don't expect a recap. To read the previous post, click here)

Inspired by our reader, DJ Leonard, let's put on our swimwear and head down to the beach for some fun.



Most people, I assume, have fantasized about having sex on a deserted/private beach or at night when it's pitch dark. Don't know if we should blame the French for popularizing nude beaches or the movies/porns for making beach sex looks so hot and romantic. 

Burgers"R"Us

We've been eating a lot recently and I wishfully think that writing a food post will help shed some of those excessive calories. As i'm typing this, I can feel the layer of fat around my waist slowing folding inward and settling in. sorry, that's gross.

To express my apology, I'm going to show you some reasonably sinful burgers that I came across online. These are only reasonably sinful because the wicked king in the world of burgers is still the 8000 calories Heart Attack Burger we introduced earlier on.

1. Burger King's New York Pizza burger

foodbeast.com

Americans love pizzas and burgers. The person who came up with this idea must have had enough deciding between pizza and burger for lunch. So voila, Burger King created the Pizza Burger to resolve the long-time dilemma. 4 Whopper patties, pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, marinara sauce and Tuscan pesto sauce all under the roof of a 24cm sesame bun. Total up to more than 2,500 calories and 2x the daily limit of saturated fat and sodium if you finish the whole pie. You only find this in New York's Times Square (mind you, not just any Times Square like..ehem...Berjaya Times Square). Other than the arrangement, I can hardly see anything unique in this BK special. Could have made it greasier than this

2. KFC's Double Down


Replacing the buns with 2 slabs of fried chicken and adding 2 pieces of bacon, melted cheese and mayo. Some people estimated the Double Down = 2 McD Big Mac. Oh well, who cares.  As long as it's good. Look at the melted cheese..must be enjoying being sandwiched by the ever-so-good kfc chicken, like a man enjoys stuffing his face between a woman's breasts (or buttocks, if you prefer the back door).


dailymail.co.uk
As a sidenote, creative food fans have improvised and created an experimental burger. 5 layers of chicken skin, melted cheese and bacon between sandwich buns. I think it actually looks more appealing than the double down and who doesn't love fried chicken skin? It's true love if you love that something/someone even when you know very well how bad it/the person is for you. KFC, I love you, really.

Skinwich from foodbeast.com


3.  Burgers with a sweet twist

Foodbeast's nutella double double bacon cheeseburger

Another creative invention. There's nutella, bacon and double double (double meat double cheese) burger. Not sure what to think of the burger itself. But I like messy burgers and especially with nutella, it's hard to not create a mess. Eat this with your partner and don't worry about having nutella all over your lips/face to give him/her an excuse to lick it off. Who knows, you might be busy making out with your partner before you have time to finish the burger.


Krispy Kreme Cheese burger

These are the Krispy Kreme Donut Burgers, with of course donuts, meat patty, bacon and cheese. Argh, even greasy food fanatic like me find this repulsive and unholy, especially when you see a mass/mess like this. But you can't judge a burger or donut or donut burger by its appearance. Because with a little cosmetics, they can look much more appetizing:

Luther's Bacon Cheeseburger + Glazed Donuts


Paula Deen's Ladies Brunch Burger
Paula Deen's burger looks so sticky, greasy and yummy. The perfect burger after sex. A little sweet and salty at the same time, just like the combination of pleasure and sweat in sex. mmmmmm..

4. Electronic burger
Just kidding. It's a 4 port USB Chicken Burger Hub.
foodbeast.com

That's a lot of meat in one post. Time to take a break and balance it with some veggies.



Refuse to believe that vegetarians have better sex,
aku yg tak insaf
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