KAU GREASY, AKU STEAMY: For guys a.k.a. pour les hommes II

More toy stories for guys...

Most men have fantasized about rubbing their batang between their partners' boobs. But not many ladies' boobs are as useful as these (well, at least mine's not but aku yg berdosa has the potential):

So instead of persuading your partner to bring her boobs together and form a passage for your batang (it's tiring, a little insulting n not a beautiful sight), why not get one of these to fulfill your own desire?

The Concubine Masturbator

No idea why they named it "Concubine". Concubines are supposed to have big enough breasts to hold the master's/emperor's penis and allow it to slide between them? Maybe...no one cares about the name anyway. It's just a tool/toy and all you need to care about is the function and texture. I think how it works is pretty self-explanatory just by looking at the picture. You arrive at the dream location, insert it, turn on the vibrator, and reach another world of your own. We ladies don't have boobs that send out vibration, not even the H-cup ladies. So for the sake of being playful, you can consider spending $70 to have some DIY fun and achieve one of your biggest dreams in life.

Erectile Quality Monitor

Can't call this a toy; it's a monitor, an evaluator or even a judge that tells you the strength of your erection. Guys are performance-oriented; their self-esteem is especially vulnerable when it comes to comparing size, duration, performance, outcomes etc. Speaking of size, I'm obsessed about asking guys about their size and not many of them are willing to share (not very gentleman of you, LL & PF). Guys can eyeball the cup size of women's breasts but we can't tell guys' penis size from their appearances. So unfair. If you're reading this, make sure you readily tell me your size when I ask for yours next time. Don't test my patience. And I'm saying this to anyone whom I might talk to on YM. I just want to get a sense of what the average Malaysian size is. I promise I won't judge you or ignore you because you're tiny (or enormous), but I'll definitely share with aku yg berdosa who had a size-related dream last week.

Anyways, back to the device. You're supposed to put the head of your batang against the sensor and it'll tell you how powerful your erection is. Not the sexiest thing to do before sex but men are crazy about gadgets, so no harm adding another one to your collection. Here's how you find out whether it's a yeayyy or a booo

gizmodo.com

I'm not sure if guys can be this accurate, without this tool, in telling whether or not they are ready for some fun. Probably your judgement is not as descriptive as "penetration possible with help of hand". All you need is $80 if you want to have something to tell you what your buddy down there is up to, although I think it's going to make you feel a little inadequate if you can never get the thing to show a blue light. If you don't mind finding out that you're a grade-B/second class student, then go for it.

The last thing is not something guys would use but girls might get this to please/surprise their partners, to hide their secrets or other unspeakable reasons. Aku yg berdosa & I might need this one day. Ehem.

Artificial Hymen

How it Works: Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable! It’s easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

How to use:
1. Open the aluminum package and unfold the Artificial Hymen, then carefully place it inside the vagina. If the vagina is dry, dip the Artificial Hymen in water and then put it into the vagina as quickly as you can using your index finger.
2. Place inside the vagina 15-20 minutes before the intercourse.
3 Finally, clean the vulva after having sexual intercourse.
4. The Artificial Hymen will melt inside the vagina and will not fall out

(straight out from http://hymenshop.com/)

If you check out the website, notice that the site is available in 3 other languages: Arabic, Indonesian and Hindi. I wonder what that says about people/women in countries that use those languages (or closely related e.g., BM is highly similar to Indonesian) as their official language. Virginity is still highly valued but most don't care about losing it because they can restore it later anyway? Women who've lost it start worrying right before their wedding because the husband will divorce the wife there n then if he discovers she's not a virgin anymore? Perhaps the former applies to Malaysian girls more than the latter but from what I've heard so far, these days guys don't really care whether or not the wife is still a virgin. Of course it'd be nice but many would have done it when they are dating, so there's not much of a need to fake innocence or purity. But I'm just sharing this in case your sister/friend/neighbour/auntie next door (oh btw, we sometimes appear in ym chatrooms using this nickname: auntie next door. you have no idea how many people are interested to get to know auntie next door. weird!) needs it one day.

Women can be really sly sometimes. So guys, don't get all excited when you see hymen blood. Doesn't necessarily mean you're the first to break the defence; it could just be some blood-like liquid that costs $30. oh well, at least she has the decency to lie to you, or what you may call, protect you from the cruel truth.

I'm done with toys for now. I'm not playful. I miss Barbie & Ken and my polly pockets. I'm babbling.