Get out of your bed: Sex and the office

If you hate your workspace as much as I hate mine, one of the many ways to spice things up is to turn it into a playground. Why do you think some people like to pretend they are workaholics and always work late even when it's totally unnecessary? Or why some people look like they work their asses off but nothing seems to ever get done?

I've viewed webcam of chatters (who are supposedly at work) who focus their cam on the project that goes on under their desk -- rubbing the buddy that's suffocating under those suit pants. Well, of course there are people who go further and do it with their colleagues or bosses but so far I haven't been lucky enough to see it live on webcam. Damn.

Why?

1. Bored.
Single best reason to have some fun.

2. Opportunity of getting promoted, if you sleep with the right one.
Having Christmas sex with the boss to get a promotion
15% of women have slept with their bosses -- and 37% of them got promoted for it

3. Excitement
Like any form of public sex, it's the potential of getting caught that drives you and I crazy.

4. Ashamed of own apartment but kedekut to pay for hotel room
Either the apartment is too buruk, you're still staying with your parents, or you're simply homeless. Doesn't hurt to make use of the company's resources.

5. Can't wait to be fired. 

"You have nothing to lose, except your job." Best example: Bill Clinton

Where?

1. Bathroom
Not just a perfect place for you to waste time/escape from work or dump your wastes. Rock the restroom baby.

2. Own office
Get whoever's willing to perform oral while you're discussing business with your client over the phone. Confirm deal la

Who says it has to be the guy doing the real work? It's time ladies take over the serious work and let guys do the blowjob 

3. Storage room/supply closet

4. Copy machine glass
Don't leave a sticky gift behind for your fellow workers.

5. Any desk/conference table/chair/couch

6. Whatever surface you can find at your workplace. 
Be creative.



How?

Tips for having sex in the office and not get caught:

How to Have Sex in the Office and Not Get Caught - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

Scarlett Johansson in "He's just not that into you". She came to Bradley Cooper's office to have sex with him but was interrupted by his wife's surprise visit. Baru je nak excited..potong stim je. Cis.

Scarlett Johansson Sex Scene - Click here for another funny movie.

Beware of naughty cameras though. *wink* If the cleaning lady comes into your room carrying a mop but wearing only a G-string, halau her ok.

Naked and Funny. Secretary. A View from Underneath 1005. - Click here for this week’s top video clips

Chicken soup for the office sex curious souls: Download the office sex survival guide here. Not recommended for people who are lazy to even read what we write. It's 36 pages long and some of the topics are on dating/more serious relationship with your colleague. If you're just interested in some hanky panky or malays like to call having "scandals", perhaps you can check out  The Hook-Up Hotspot? Work! (page 13) and Your Other, Other: Your Work Spouse (page 22). I'm starting to like the term work spouse already. Tak sabar to have one....or more.

Find a colleague/boss to have sex with in the office next week and you'll be surprised how much you look forward to going to work. Good luck perverts!

Can't wait to become a boss and harass my male subordinate yang handsome2,
aku yg tak insaf

p/s I love you my cayunk, aku yg berdosa. I don't want you to feel neglected just because I didn't mention you in this post. You're always in my mind tau. I'm so glad I finally allowed myself to accept your urutan just now and baring on your laps is one of the most beautiful thing that happened today kan kan? Promise me you won't show your C-cup boobs to other people please. Jealous I nanti :(

Love through Vaseline

Poetry for the love-torn, lovesick, lovey dovey, love lust, loveless, and of course lovers of kau greasy aku steamy.

1) Mood of this song: moody. Lawlz, but there's not other words to describe this. This is my new love song for ATI.



Pretend to love my imperfection at least for a minute
Infect my dreams with your taste

You know how to enter in me
You know how to softly torture
You know how to torture my innocence

Theres a falling bridge between
My heart and your upside down world

Let your saliva drip which I hold you tight
If only I had the capacity to reject my love

The crazy, the soldier, the weak and the heroes love but not us my love
Your saliva runs slowly runs down on my body

Ill need a cruel master who will save my vicious soul
But a master I will hate or that maybe will save me
But Ill hate him hell save me

Come on come on inside me because this way
You will save me for a moment forget
You love me
Push yourself push inside me because this way
You will save me for a moment forget
You love me push yourself

Im so disgusted by the victories I never conquered
I feel sorry for the defeats I am roughly headin

Love me all the same when Ill sing to you about Vaseline and Lead
Look at me all the same when Ill be jester of violence and pity

Ill need a cruel master who will save my vicious soul
But a master I will hate or that maybe will save me
But Ill hate him hell save me

Come on come oninside me because this way
You will save me for a moment forget
You love me
Push yourself push inside me because this way
You will save me for a moment forget
You love me push yourself



2) For the Gigolos out there... we feel you. This song is from the movie Cliente, aka French Gigolo. What a good way to start a movie that ended badly. The movie sucks but we were impressed by this song. It's witty and "whoaa". In case some of you don't get it, I'm going to put WHOAs next to the lines which whoa-ed me.



Translation:

I take cash, checks or plastic
I'm a hustling ladies man, the loot's fantastic
sadly, most work pays badly.

I give em pleasure at their leisure,
when they ring, I bring that extra thing

I can get it up when i'm told,
even with a blindfold.  (*WHOA!!*)

Call me Patrick,
or plain Mr Dick,
just gimme gals,
not pals,

I can play games with elderly dames,
screwing' my neighbor,
pays more than hard labor.

I fill 'em, then bill 'em,
that's about it,
once they've come, I split,
I've done my bit.

I'm sore from rich clients galore,
takes big bucks to pay for fucks!

I deal my dick, not dope,
I put 'em in heaven, give 'em hope, (*WHOAA*)

even if their skin's rough,
my staff'll be stiff,
I know my stuff.

As an escort, not a date,
I charge a special weekend rate.

You earn dough,
bein' a gigolo,

they just want a fling,
so morals can't be your thing, (*dayum*)

even if a client's not my type…
I gotta deliver the hype…

I tell my ego to pass,
each time I bare my ass. (*WHOA!!!*)

For guys a.k.a. pour les hommes II

More toy stories for guys...

Most men have fantasized about rubbing their batang between their partners' boobs. But not many ladies' boobs are as useful as these (well, at least mine's not but aku yg berdosa has the potential):

So instead of persuading your partner to bring her boobs together and form a passage for your batang (it's tiring, a little insulting n not a beautiful sight), why not get one of these to fulfill your own desire? 

The Concubine Masturbator

No idea why they named it "Concubine". Concubines are supposed to have big enough breasts to hold the master's/emperor's penis and allow it to slide between them? Maybe...no one cares about the name anyway. It's just a tool/toy and all you need to care about is the function and texture. I think how it works is pretty self-explanatory just by looking at the picture. You arrive at the dream location, insert it, turn on the vibrator, and reach another world of your own. We ladies don't have boobs that send out vibration, not even the H-cup ladies. So for the sake of being playful, you can consider spending $70 to have some DIY fun and achieve one of your biggest dreams in life.

Erectile Quality Monitor

Can't call this a toy; it's a monitor, an evaluator or even a judge that tells you the strength of your erection. Guys are performance-oriented; their self-esteem is especially vulnerable when it comes to comparing size, duration, performance, outcomes etc. Speaking of size, I'm obsessed about asking guys about their size and not many of them are willing to share (not very gentleman of you, LL & PF). Guys can eyeball the cup size of women's breasts but we can't tell guys' penis size from their appearances. So unfair. If you're reading this, make sure you readily tell me your size when I ask for yours next time. Don't test my patience. And I'm saying this to anyone whom I might talk to on YM. I just want to get a sense of what the average Malaysian size is. I promise I won't judge you or ignore you because you're tiny (or enormous), but I'll definitely share with aku yg berdosa who had a size-related dream last week.

Anyways, back to the device. You're supposed to put the head of your batang against the sensor and it'll tell you how powerful your erection is. Not the sexiest thing to do before sex but men are crazy about gadgets, so no harm adding another one to your collection. Here's how you find out whether it's a yeayyy or a booo

gizmodo.com

I'm not sure if guys can be this accurate, without this tool, in telling whether or not they are ready for some fun. Probably your judgement is not as descriptive as "penetration possible with help of hand". All you need is $80 if you want to have something to tell you what your buddy down there is up to, although I think it's going to make you feel a little inadequate if you can never get the thing to show a blue light. If you don't mind finding out that you're a grade-B/second class student, then go for it. 

The last thing is not something guys would use but girls might get this to please/surprise their partners, to hide their secrets or other unspeakable reasons. Aku yg berdosa & I might need this one day. Ehem.

Artificial Hymen

How it Works: Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable! It’s easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

How to use:
1. Open the aluminum package and unfold the Artificial Hymen, then carefully place it inside the vagina. If the vagina is dry, dip the Artificial Hymen in water and then put it into the vagina as quickly as you can using your index finger.
2. Place inside the vagina 15-20 minutes before the intercourse.
3 Finally, clean the vulva after having sexual intercourse.
4. The Artificial Hymen will melt inside the vagina and will not fall out

(straight out from http://hymenshop.com/)

If you check out the website, notice that the site is available in 3 other languages: Arabic, Indonesian and Hindi. I wonder what that says about people/women in countries that use those languages (or closely related e.g., BM is highly similar to Indonesian) as their official language. Virginity is still highly valued but most don't care about losing it because they can restore it later anyway? Women who've lost it start worrying right before their wedding because the husband will divorce the wife there n then if he discovers she's not a virgin anymore? Perhaps the former applies to Malaysian girls more than the latter but from what I've heard so far, these days guys don't really care whether or not the wife is still a virgin. Of course it'd be nice but many would have done it when they are dating, so there's not much of a need to fake innocence or purity. But I'm just sharing this in case your sister/friend/neighbour/auntie next door (oh btw, we sometimes appear in ym chatrooms using this nickname: auntie next door. you have no idea how many people are interested to get to know auntie next door. weird!) needs it one day. 

Women can be really sly sometimes. So guys, don't get all excited when you see hymen blood. Doesn't necessarily mean you're the first to break the defence; it could just be some blood-like liquid that costs $30. oh well, at least she has the decency to lie to you, or what you may call, protect you from the cruel truth.

I'm done with toys for now. I'm not playful. I miss Barbie & Ken and my polly pockets. I'm babbling.

polly pocket

the unskillful player,
aku yg tak insaf

Pour les hommes

I apologize to aku yang berdosa for trespassing on her area for expertise.

Hizamakura Lap Pillow

From the most perverted nation, Japanese came up with this lap pillow idea for men who miss resting their heads on their mother's laps when they were young or those who always desire to manja2 with their girls but are too ego to do that. I'm at this stage where I'm so gersang that I asked aku yang berdosa not once, not twice but several times, whether I can baring on her laps. Well, since she loves me, she of course doesn't mind but I really prefer a man's laps. Maybe one day I will use aku yang berdosa's service, and baring on her laps while I type up a post. I imagine that specific post will be super manis when the time comes *blush* Anyway, this pillow costs US$100 and shipping (to any country) is another US$75. Sanggup ke?! I'd rather pay for a night of escort service kot. Hopefully that one night will make the escort fall in love with me and later on he's willing to provide his service to me for free. Prasan.

Click here if you're interested

Chastity Belt for Men

"The lock and key to her heart"...

"For the man who loves his woman"...

"The key to peace of mind"...

This thing is awesome. It's made specially for wives to prevent the husbands from masturbating and having sex with other women of course. The batang is freed only when we want it. Women have all the control. Isn't that cool? Unless the guy's willing to go to a locksmith and say "hey, i need your help to unlock my dick". Uwuuu... If the wife is not as dominating as I am, the couple can always use this toy as part of their BDSM play kan? Or if employers want to prevent sex in the office, they can require employees to wear this chastity belt at work. I didn't make this up okay. It's mandatory for tukang massage in Batu, Indonesia to wear lock their batang up at work to avoid inappropriate sexual activities.

More options for the gewdiks like aku yang berdosa or vain little slut like aku yang miang. Check out their website. There's even a demo to show you how to use it. The clear model is cheaper than the designer models (see left). Price range $85-160. Only problem is you want the regular or the smaller size. Of course every guy would want the regular size even if his sausage is only 3-4" when fully developed. I's okay, we understand. Whatever your decision is, read the reviews here. Fairly interesting and descriptive, especially the extensive review by the chronic masturbator.

 Shock Jock Flirt Brief

They call this the "push-up bra for dudes". Finally there's no need to stuff socks in your underwear to make your bulge look bigger :D Wearing this will add up to 2 inches and protects your adik from getting hurt when you zip up your pants half-awake early in the morning. Click here for a variety of underpants with the same function. Gotta love men in boxer =)

Watch the designer, Andrew Christian, describe his invention. 

When he said "with my model, Alex, today", he wasn't even looking at the guy, but he was staring right at the bulge. Haha. I shall do that too next time, just to let guys know how we feel when they can't take their eyes off women's boobs and cleavages. Oh well, in a way it's a form of respect I guess. Who wants to look at flat A- chest? If you find my eyes on your bulge, be thankful okay. Coz I'm not so much of a bulge-person, so if I like the look of yours, that means you probably have something pretty down there.

For me, I don't really care; I really prefer my man to be organic and natural. If he wants to dress up his thing for my viewing pleasure, that's fine. But if he's just gedik and obsessed with his appearance, then no thank you. So, tell me, how many of you guys will get this to impress your date/partner?

Stay tuned for more..

i love man's ass,

aku yg tak insaf

Diary of a Nymphomaniac

ifcfilms.com

Diary of a Nymphomaniac (2008)

The only thing I want is pleasure. The only thing I can satisfy is my desire. And the more I explore, the further I'm willing to go...

DIARY OF A NYMPHOMANIAC: Movie Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: Diary Of A Nymphomaniac, Ángela Molina

This is the story of the sexual journey of a 28-year-old Valerie who has a bottomless craving for sex and whose life is basically centered around sex. She has countless sexual partners and her sexual appetite continues to grow. At one point, she tries to engage in more meaningful relationships and settle down with a man  but all of a sudden, the man turns into a violent, possessive freak. She leaves the man and enters prostitution as a way of coping with the breakup. (weiirrrddd). The movie ends on a predictable positive note: Valerie comes into terms with who she really is and what exactly she wants in life: none other than indulging in sex.

The main character (Valerie)'s nana said, 

"Nymphonia a man's invention to make women feel guilty if they break the rules."

Memang pun. In case you haven't memorize the quotes in our "rasaku ini rasamu?" section, Mignon McLaughlin defined nymphomaniac as a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. So if preoccupation with sex is acceptable for men, why can't women have the same obsession? Why do you need to create a new term to describe women who are just like a normal man? Sexist betul.

ifcfilms.com

If you don't watch all the videos below, siap la korang! Alala..main2 je. Most of them are short videos so it won't take up too much of your precious time. No subtitles but sex kan universal. Just enjoy the bodies and movements

Video uno: Lost her virginity when she was 15. Quite hairy (look at her arms) for a 15-year-old but who cares kan, asalkan fresh. Yikes, can't believe I said that. After her first time, there's no stopping her - sex becomes her only interest in life

Diario de una ninfómana (vídeo 1)
Uploaded by unoqopina. - Find more steamy, sexy videos.

Video dos: Something's not right about the logic of this scene. Valerie opens the fridge, can't find any food because semua dah tak elok, so she terpaksa have sex. Heh?!  It's one of the more intense sex scene in this film. Probably coz it's the last time this Alex dude can have sex with her. He's leaving her coz his adik can't keep up with her insatiable sexual needs anymore. Feel like making this one of my life goals: to wear a man out with my desires. 

Diario de una ninfómana (vídeo 3)
Uploaded by unoqopina. - Find more steamy, sexy videos.



Video tres: First customer at the brothel. I have no idea how she can stand doing BJ in the soapy bathtub water. First client dah terus dapat pakcik...not sure how I'd like an aged sausage. I'm into younger guys recently..so maybe I'll just direct the pakcik2 to aku yang berdosa.

Diario de una ninfómana (vídeo 4)
Uploaded by unoqopina. - Watch more hot videos.



Video cuatro: A platter of sex scenes. Malas to describe.

Diario de una ninfómana (vídeo 5)
Uploaded by unoqopina. - Watch more hot videos.



Video cinco:  Sex with favorite customer sampai forgot to take the money at the end of the session and after a little flirting, Valerie decided to belanja him another round of sex. That's how important it is to make your escort, tukang urut or hooker like you. btw, #1 rule if you want to ngorat aku yang berdosa: be a smooth flirter.

Diario de una ninfómana (vídeo 6)
Uploaded by unoqopina. - Get intimate with more sexy videos.



Video seis: Sex with Hassan, who shares the same wavelength in their attitudes and desire for sexual pleasure. Dengan nakalnye, Hassan emptied a coke bottle and used the bottle to pleasure Valerie on behalf of his batang. A good idea for guys whose batang is smaller than average but are too stingy to buy their partner a decent dildo. For different flavors, try oyster sauce, thai chilli sauce or dark soy sauce bottle. 

Diario de una ninfómana
Uploaded by lupeeen. - Find more steamy, sexy videos.



Video siete:  Quick summary of steamy scenes

Diario de una ninfómana
Uploaded by lupeeen. - Check out sexy vids. Caution - NSFW!

If you aren't sure whether or not you qualify as a nymphomaniac, check out the new pat down service provided by officers at the US customs. 

one of the many secrets from Postsecret

There's a lot of nudity for guys and at the same time, it also touches on the emotional development of the female character, which may be of interest to our female readers (very few, I reckon) or guys who are sincerely interested in getting insights into the inner world of a nymphomaniac. There are a few other memorable scenes that aren't in any of those videos - Valerie anal raped by one of her clients, Valerie dealing with a handicapped client who can't feel anything below his neck, Valerie's quickie with a complete stranger at the train station etc etc. I think it's worth a watch (since kononnye this movie scandalized Europe, whatever that means), but I don't think aku yang berdosa was impressed. Well, at least it's not the typical "sex without love is not the same"; here, it seems to advocate that sex is something you can (and should) enjoy with or without a playmate. If you try to make it more than what it really is, it can complicate things and make it less pleasurable. Just follow your sexual instincts, aight?

Nympho-wannabe,

aku yg tak insaf

Orgasms for Two. Oh Eleven.

Hey peeps.

Let's be honest. We know some of those resolutions won't get sorted out. Truth is, you just made those up so you'd feel all good, and prepared to face the next 365 days of... disaster? distress? ...who knows what. By late January, I bet you won't even remember what number 3 on your list was.

Wait... did I say I wanted to get tattoos this year?!

So why not we take it to the next level. Something like, this year, I want to be my self. I want to be free. Or better. Go to Betty Dodson's site and listen to her encouraging, sympathetic advice. It's dedicated specially to women but men can join in to act like good boyfriends/husbands/slave/etc. FUN fact: Nenek ni dah 70++ pun still having explosive sex!

[Source]

Give it a go if you're full of curiosity on any topic sex related, and I mean any topic. Female ejaculation? Male nipple stimulation? Sex toy tips? Fantasies? Anything lah... There's just lots of 'useful' discussion and freebies on there that'll satisfy the average information-whore such as myself, I mean what the eff, I'm half-jealous of that site 'cause it really embodies some of what I envision this blog should be like, minus the greasy food part.

Video: How to Fake an Orgasm. Just in case. For 2011, Men, please learn how to avoid this. Women, look for/teach men who can give you sssatifaction.

Of interest (okay, I confess, I searched for this on purpose) are pictures of the regular, normal, non-pornstar female genitalia. And YES, if you're wondering, I was searching for research purposes, thank you very much. These pictures are not for the faint-hearted (so ATI beware), but please view them, especially if you are an unexperienced male, so that you are not skewed by what is not reality. So that you won't go ruin your sweetheart's body-image, love her/him for who he/she is, and yada yada. You can view the free galleries here. Sorry these are just vag pictures. If you're interested in the one-eyed-trouser snake, though, Omegle and Chatroulette offer more generous, varied choices. You can ask ATI more of this, though. She is currently busy at one of those sites she wouldn't even budge if I set the apartment on fire. Or strip naked and jump around in living room. Or both.

Dayum, nice beard. [Source]

That said, if you're the suka discuss-discuss kind, with lots of interesting stories to tell, or if you just get off on ridiculous stories over the net, here is a Melayu-fied version of Betsy Dod's site. Which is not even a site. I don't even know what it is. But it seems pretty interesting though. Especially if you've been looking at Malaysia through rose-tinted glasses... This particular topic memang hit giler bro... The most unbelievable thing... 13k ++ comments, and still going, no doubt. And no, I did not Google 'pengalaman seks', terima kasih. Searched for "nama melayu sell out" pun still can get something like this!

Oh Malaysiaku.

Nuckallz nye U!

[Source]

Here's to the next 360 days of us being together. Hopefully.
xoxo
AYB