Berkenalan dengan the new OMG

Guys, jangan marah ye, I'm going to share with you a mengade article that might piss u off. even the title pun dah menggeramkan. this is way harder to accept than women who complain about their nicely big boobs (insert appropriate mental image of what's "nicely big" for u. korang punya taste kan lain2. some rase C-cup is just nice, ada plak yang rase the bigger the better...)


anyways, this review is written by Shawn Alff from creativeloafing.com for a book titled How to Live With a Huge Penis. The book title is bad enough but the title of the review is worse, in my opinion. The review is a little long, so bear with it or just read the ones I highlighted:

note: one of the authors is actually a imam

How I learned to stop worrying and love my huge penis


In a society obsessed with size–with cars as small as soapbox racers and cell phones like matchbooks–it’s no wonder men with oversized male genitalia, or OMG, are still persecuted. But, a new book, How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much, offers hope. It has finally given me the strength to come unzipped about my well endowed penis.


OMGs are such a taboo subject, I didn’t even realize I had one until I measured my erection with the ruler provided on the book’s inside cover. Technically I only have a “well endowed penis,” as opposed to a full blown OMG, but I may have misdiagnosed myself. (Readers are instructed to place the ruler at the base of the penis, possibly adding several inches of undercarriage. As a gentleman, I always measure from the top)

In any case, I had no idea that 5 ½ to 6 ½ inches of stately manhood constituted a well endowed penis. Indeed, this is the book’s main goal: to raise awareness of OMGs. No longer should men be ashamed of the enormous birth defects cradled in their underpants like the muscular arm of a Siamese twin.

Not only did this book save my life, it also resurrected my manhood. Like many men with an OMG, I contemplated penis reduction surgery and even committing suicide by tying my penis around my neck and thinking of vaginas the size of the Hoover Dam. My tormented childhood, the embarrassment of having to wear a construction hard hat as a cup to little league baseball, was a huge factor in my move to Florida–a state that resembles my penis and no longer requires OMGs to be registered with the DMV.

Everyman with an OMG has struggled with the perpetual fear of his penis catching in doors or shaking loose from the shackles of duct tape that keeps it suspended in your shorts. For all you “normal” men, just imagine how difficult it is for someone with an OMG to fly: we’re continually strip searched under suspicion of smuggling missiles, and new regulations require us to purchase an extra seat to accommodate our OMG (After the movie Snakes on a Plane, airlines no longer allow OMGs to be stored in the overhead compartment or under the seat). A man who carries “a huge penis also carries a sack full of painful memories… Accidentally making sexual partners hemorrhage or vomit. Suffering the sweltering days of summer in long pants”(10).

These obstacles led one of the authors, Rev. Owen Thomas, into a life of celibacy and priestly man-dresses. Rev. Thomas met the coauthor, Dr. Richard Jacob, at a hospital after Jacob had beaten his huge penis bloody with a hammer.

Thomas and Jacob confront the bias toward OMGs head on. Grade school gym coaches still condone the ridicule of boys forced to sit on the sidelines of soccer games, because their OMGs can’t be contained by wind shorts and they lacked adequate penis guards. Even at CL, an office full of liberal writers, small penis propaganda abounds like, “my penis is so small it was on China’s female gymnastics team.”

Once and for all the authors overturn the myths that OMGs are contagious, or that men with huge penises have smaller brains. Horse-cock hatred isn’t limited to humans. Elephants are often poached not for their tusks, but for their second trunks, which make excellent sleeping bags. The only point the author’s disagree on is how to deal with small penis elitists. I side with Rev. Thomas, the acclaimed author of the crime novels Megapsycho and Thunderstorm of Blood; he suggests a crowbar.

Another chapter offers tips for unzipping: coming out to friends and family. Readers are advised to clear the room of “kill triggers,” large phallic objects that feed a desire to kill. Never unzip in anger or in a public venue. Move through the opening quickly so your family isn’t disappointed when they discover you’re not coming out about your homosexuality.

This book even delves into the sensitive issue of sex and maintenance. Cumcrete situations and Maury Povich Syndrome can be prevented by squeezing your member like a toothpaste tube and working it with a rolling pin. Every man with an OMG knows that vaginas turn to sandpaper as a natural defense against large penises. Although you may never go “balls deep” like your small penis friends, Harvard’s S.P.I.T (safe penile intercourse techniques) method will help you work the tip in. Advice is also given on preventing rod rash, tip gnawing, and uterine encroachment. Fainting spells from erections, or hallucinations of talking animals due to blood loss from the brain, can be managed by carrying pictures of your grandparents. Potentially fatal nocturnal erections can be prevented by wearing night guards. If you do find a safe harbor for your OMG, the authors suggest giant novelty condoms. I’ve also used Glad Bags with red handle ties, though only with limited success.

While How to Live with a Huge Penis is physically long, it contains a lot of fluff, which is partly due to the gaping hole in OMG research. The scientific community has long denied the “theory” of huge penises as they shake the tenants of evolution. Congress has systematically cut off OMG funding as huge penises are not mentioned in the Bible. The end of the book is largely blank for you to fill with your own advice on managing your OMG. Mine reads like a diary: “Dear Well Endowed Penis, today I bought you tube sock because I know how cold you get in the winter.”

This book doesn’t specifically address French Bread Loaves (long skinny penises) or tuna cans (thick short ones), but it’s inspiring that we’re finally openly discussing penises that aren’t the size of fishing tackle. When friends, and even potential love interests, drop by my apartment, I prominently display one of my copies of How to Live with a Huge Penis on the coffee table. If visitors have any further questions, I’m happy to unzip and drape my OMG over the arm of the couch. Our OMGs are out and proud, never again to be suppressed by tightly wrapped rolls of Ace bandages and baggy pants.

I go one step further than Thomas and Jacob, proposing that OMG supporters wear flesh colored ribbons. A month should be dedicated to OMGs, where students learn about how the theory of relativity was a consequence of Einstein reflecting on his massive penis, and how Mozart’s final opera, “The Magic Flute,” was an attempt to reconcile with his penis.

We must learn to be proud of our trouser cannons. Even though our penises are large enough for us to fellate ourselves, we must stand tall and remember that we are still men.


*******


A few things I learn from reading this:
1. of course as mentioned in the title of this post, is the new OMG. never knew OMG also stands for this syndrome, characteristic, or whatever you call it. i doubt this can replace the skema OMG, but it's always good to have this extra knowledge kan?

2. the correct way to measure guys' adik/batang/belalai (remember to put your ruler at the base. it'll make you feel better, hopefully). if not for such standardized way of measuring, people might have to keep using darlie toothpaste as a unit of measurement.

3. "vaginas turn to sandpaper as a natural defense against large penises" errr....really? I thought it'll be like an open house party. the V invite and welcome the LP, and they have fun together. oh well, what do i know?

4. the kind of research they do in Harvard..it's the OMG research. patut la jadi the most prestigious university in the world. our local pride, UM should do this kind of research using homegrown oversized penises (if there's any). our government sure ada funding for this kind of project kan ...but tak sure plak whether huge penises are mentioned in Quran. anyone knows?

5. the different nicknames for different sizes of penises. French bread loaves and tuna can..haha. tak habis2 nak associate food with the batang. ice cream, sausage/hot dog, banana, terung, cucumber, carrot, etc..n now baguette and tuna can. sooner or later, there'll be no more makanan yang innocent

conclusion nye, size doesn't matter that much. i cannot say for other females (or gays, so that no one's left out), but as I said before, at least i know aku yg berdosa suka yang comel2 je. if your partner loves you, they'll accept and embrace whatever you have. maybe they'll secretly fantasize about stronger, better-looking men, but they won't leave you just because your asset is not as great as some random guys that will remain only in their fantasy. so stop worrying and love your penis, whether they are long, short, thick or skinny and just focus on loving us (haha...sorry tergedik n terjiwang).

yang sakit bahu again,
aku yg tak insaf