VIP

Caution: A completely meaningless post ahead. While the author's writing this, her level of disorientation is similar to a person suffering from concussion. Read at your own cost.

Not my usual self today. I'm referring to the blog-self. There are other selves -- family-self, friend-self, lover-self, outsider-self, alone-self etc that exist within myself. Anyway, allow me to get a little personal today. Once in a while je, tak apa kan?

Lost touch with a VIP for a week. Was a little worried why I didn't hear from him at all. This morning, I dreamed that it's because he got into some serious shit. Drug trafficking (Thanks to the Hong Kong crime drama I berusaha to finish in 3 nights). It's the kind of dream that you try to bangun and get yourself out of it coz you don't wanna deal with it, but you're so worried that every time you sambung tidur, the story continues on coz you have things that haven't been said/done and you just can't let it go even though you know it's just a dream. [Never mind if you have never experienced something like that. Just pretend you understand.] Bottom line is, the dream felt disturbingly real. It was suffocating.

He called in an hour. Phew. Terus tenang. Finally confirmed he didn't get arrested for drug trafficking. At that moment, I know what his status is in my life.

To be honest, before this, I get a little stressed out sometimes when he calls. Too much unspoken and unexplained tension between us. For many reasons. There was a time, if you asked me to put a label, it's gotta be "it's complicated". But now, I know it's not. That's too general of a status for us. "It's complicated" relationships are more for modern and trendy people. We're too old fashioned for that. He's a VIP to me, and we share a VIRUS. Very important relationship between us. It was, is and will always be important, regardless of our relationship status.

We can't change history and we can't predict the future. My grandma who has serious memory issues asked me today, "are you married?"

Me: Nope, lazy.

Grandma: Hish, everyone has to get married.

I don't think so. But because she's grandma, I left it that way.

I always say I don't wanna get married, although I think I'll marry someone eventually. Lately I've been telling people, I'll marry the next guy I fall heavily for. I'll make it quick. No years after years of getting to know each other. Just skip the nonsense and get into the system, if and only if I fall heavily enough. Now who knows what "heavy" feels like at x point in y years? Maybe after a long, dry period, "heavy" is just like a light stir in present terms. Or it could be as shakening as a 9.0 magnitude earthquake. Doesn't mean the one I end up being with is the best for me. It doesn't mean anything. It simply means I'm married to him. He just happens to trigger that impulse, or some other forces push me into that marriage.  He could be everything I don't want in a man. He could be everything, or nothing. He might not be the last. I might still have affair and/or divorce.

Nowadays I tend to be indifferent when people in love try to share the sweet little things they do together or whatnot. It's not even bitter. Bitter is better coz it means I feel strongly about something. Indifference is the worst. Unconcerned and uninterested. Can't even pretend to feel "aww, that's cute. I'm happy for you". The happiness is transient. Longer for some couples, shorter for others. Either way, the happiness is temporary. I hope they'll realize that they don't have to share it with everyone, just keep it to yourself. Sharing with others won't push back your happiness' best-before date. When the happiness is taken away (or thrown away), you won't have anything left.

.............

And suddenly, I lost my train of thoughts. I guess my conclusion is, my relationship status: disabled/handicapped.

a mass mess,
aku yg tak insaf